Clay Aiken sucks

I know Clay Aiken is a tired subject for jokes, but I'm not making any jokes today. This is a serious column about why everyone would be better off if Clay Aiken bought a rifle, loaded it, held the barrel securely against his temple, and pulled the trigger. I know the allegiance of most Aiken fans only grows stronger when people make jokes about him, which is why I'm taking a different approach, and being completely serious.

I'm not going to make gay jokes. I'm not going to try to get laughs by saying Aiken's singing sounds like someone raping a muppet. I'm not going to state the obvious: that if any of his fans had been in high school with him, they would have called him a loser and thrown rocks at his head like everyone else. No, I'm going to present facts, not assumptions. Since most pop music fans switch alliances from singer to singer more often than Ben Affleck adds hair plugs to his balding scalp, it shouldn't be too difficult to persuade them. So let's get started.

Fact 1: his song lyrics are creepy. Clay Aiken is a stalker and a pervert, and there's proof right in his hit song, "Measure of a Man". Observe:

Okay, so he wants to become invisible so he can sneak into some girl's room and watch her undress. A lot of us fellas fantasize about this same thing, but for God's sake, we aren't sick enough to write songs about it and present it as something serious. Have I ever written a column proclaiming my love for a girl, telling her I want to sneak into her room so I can ogle her like a peeping tom? No, because that's disturbing and wrong. Yet, for some reason, millions of women find Aiken's sick perversion attractive, and swoon after him for it. But it's in the next few lines where he really gets sick:

So now he's moved on to full-fledged rape. He wants to become invisible so he can "make you mine". Obviously, if he's invisible, he can't "make her his" by impressing her or charming her. The only way will be through using his invisibility to outright attack her, and force her to get it on with him. It's a sickness, people. It's a rapist's cry for help in the form of a song.

Later in the song, Aiken repeats his wish to be invisible, and then says, "Wait, I already am." This is the point of the song where he realizes he doesn't need to be invisible to commit heinous acts of sexual violence. Obviously, Aiken is a very dangerous man. Is a joyful rapist the type of man ladies should swoon over? I think not.

Fact 2: Aiken only looks good if someone else dresses and styles him.You know how most girls look like total ass in the morning before they apply makeup? Clay Aiken is the same way, except he uses the fat wallet of The FOX Network to make himself look good. He looked like crap at first, but then he spent tons of FOX's money on expensive clothes, contact lenses, eyebrow coloring, professional hairstyling, and some hair coloring with highlights. So basically, he changed everything about himself. Only then did he look adequate enough to be a pseudo pop star.

Fact 3: Just because Aiken works with autistic kids doesn't mean he's a good person. I once dated a girl who worked at a rest home, taking care of retarded old people. Since she had a job that required a lot of patience, I assumed she was a good person. I was wrong. This girl was the biggest alcoholic I've ever met. Every night, she'd guzzle booze until she could barely speak, and then pass out on the couch. Her roommates hated her.

One time, at a get-together at the college house I was living in, she stumbled out onto the front lawn, dropped her pants, and took a piss in front of everyone. I'm not kidding. She told me to hold her beer, then walked outside and peed all over my lawn. While some of you fellas in the south may find that attractive, those of us who didn't grow up fornicating with our cross-eyed, bucktoothed cousins find it repulsive. So even though this girl spent time helping retards, she was still a drunken witch.

Likewise for Aiken, just because he works with autistic kids doesn't mean he's automatically sweet and charming, or a good person at all. As shown by my first fact, he's a sick pervert who would rather rape women than take the effort to talk to them and ask them out.

Please don't request his songs or buy his albums anymore. He's painful to watch, and incredibly annoying. If you're a person of religion, please join me and pray that during the lame-ass American Idol tour, Aiken will be sat on and smooshed to death by Ruben Studdard.

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