I use the word 'hump' 14 times in this column, but it's for a good cause

Here's a fact that most people understand, but some people refuse to accept: kids like to hump. They enjoy humping, they don't feel bad about humping, and nothing anyone says will make them stop humping. The teenage humpage will continue, no matter how much some people refuse to acknowledge it.

If my use of the word "hump" offends you, you're probably one of those "some people" I just mentioned.

You can't keep kids from humping, but you can teach them about condoms and other birth control methods, so they won't feel embarrassed when it comes time to use them. Education is extremely important for almost everything in life, and humping is no different. But if you sit in denial of the humping that's going on, and refuse to allow teachers to educate kids on how to protect themselves, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are going to skyrocket among young people.

Case in point: the Minnesota Department of Health did a study on three junior high schools trying out abstinence-only education. These kids were taught that abstinence is the only way to be safe, but weren't told how to protect themselves just in case. Sexual activity among students at the schools doubled during the abstinence-only program. The amount of kids who said they'd probably have sex before the end of high school also doubled.

Surprise, surprise.

There are 45,000 kids in Minnesota who are taught abstinence-only education, and with President George W. Bush supporting it, who knows how many more kids will be given this poor excuse for sexual education. It isn't what kids need, and it isn't what parents want, either. A survey of 2,500 Minnesota parents found that 77% of them want education about contraceptives included in sex education classes.

According to a study by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, teen pregnancy rates in America have dropped 30% since 1991. This is because schools had more freedom over the past 10 years to teach kids about birth control. If we allow a minority of brainless parents to push abstinence-only education, this trend is going to reverse itself.

People - especially President Bush, who has quite an influence on ultra-conservatives - need to realize that learning about birth control doesn't encourage kids to have sex. They have friends for that. Education about birth control and STD's is just basic knowledge that everyone should know, whether they plan on humping or not. Ignoring the issue of teen humpage is like saying we shouldn't teach kids about the dangers of drinking and driving, because kids aren't allowed to drink until they're 21. Kids are going to drink, and they're going to hump. Deal with it . . . preferably by giving them some education.

Otherwise, your kids will turn out as dumb as Tom Prichard, president of the Minnesota Family Council, a group that pushes for abstinence-only education. Prichard says the abstinence-only education failed because it didn't go far enough. He says if kids had been taught not just to wait until they're adults to have sex, but until they're married, the program would have been a success.

Yeah, and if my high school teachers had told me not to drink beer ever, instead of just telling me to wait until I was 21, I would have spent my weekend nights knitting blankets.

Find some common sense and use it, people. The futures of your humping children depend on it. And they are humping, no matter how far you've stuck your head up your ass to keep from noticing it.

It's time for a classic drink. Something you're sure is tasty. How about a Vodka Sour? 1 part vodka 2 parts sour mix 1/2 tsp. powdered sugar If you make more than $75,000 a year, garnish it with a lemon and a cherry. Drink archives

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