E-mails, Comments, Clarifications, and Random Complaints From Readers

Hooray kids! It’s time for Uncle Paul’s bin of letters! Every day, Uncle Paul gets thousands and thousands of non-sexual letters from dedicated readers like you! So every once in a while, he gets to answer some of them right here in the column! Doesn’t that sound like fun?!?

No? Well then go find something else to read, like “Amazing Tales” magazine or some sissy crap like that, you rat-faced little puke.

For those of you who have decided to forgo the intense, riveting fiction of “Amazing Tales” magazine, here is some of the best letters from the first few weeks.

Tony Carr of Superior, Wis. enjoyed the column on Democrat Gary George, and has some helpful advice as well.

Not like he has a snowball's chance in hell, but if by some coincidence Gary George becomes the next governor of Wisconsin, as a card carrying member of the Republican Party, I'd let you in no questions asked.

Card-carrying? What the hell does that mean, anyway? An actual card that says you’re a Republican, or, say, a library card with overdue fines for books of George Will columns? A Republican reading my column . . . talk about a snowball’s chance in hell.

Well, since I have you here, Republican, one more question. Why does George W. Bush always wear that same freaking suit every time he’s in the news? I realize that he won the election and it’s now probably his “lucky suit”, but those Regis Philbin ties sure aren’t going to help him any in the next election.

While we’re on a roll, here’s another letter with a compliment in it. Don’t worry, though. These are the only two. This one’s from Jake Garnatz, who, like almost everyone else in the PSHFP world, lives in Superior, Wis.

Keep making fun of people, especially fat, stinky, and/or ridiculously deformed people. That's comedy, comedy Paul Ryan style.

I’m sorry Jake, but fat, stinky and ridiculously deformed people make up the majority of my readership here at PSHFP. Yes sir, nothing but radio DJ’s and Perkins restaurant managers here. Oh, and also one girl who works in an emergency room in Minneapolis. She claims her gigantic dog will violate me on her furniture and carpeting. But I’ll save that letter for when I get really desperate.

Let’s look at a not-so pleasant letter from my sack. This one’s from someone who wrote his name in as Mary Poppins. Unfortunately, his IP address and host name show him to be John Peacock of Duluth, Minn. Here’s what John had to say.

I heard Paul likes to smoke d**k. He is a c**k smoker.

Not only do I smoke it, but apparently I smoke it in both past and present tense. You know, it’s shining letters like these that truly make my day. Personally, I like how the story told through the letter wraps everything up with a tidy ending. It starts out with a rumor, “I heard Paul likes to smoke d**k”. And then, just when you think you’ll never know the real truth, it ends with the definite conclusion, “He is a c**k smoker”. I would have hated for him to have left me hanging at the end.

Our next letter is from Erik Honkanen in Superior, Wis. Erik has some issues with the new daily column. Sigh.

Sometimes we care about what we read, other times we don't. As a long time reader of this column, I have finally reached the point of the latter. If I wrote a daily column, I would talk about such important issues as the poor quality of pornography videos and DVDs. I would complain about how Senators are not naked. I would ask how a no-fault insurance company can subrogate in the case of an out-of-state vehicle and collect double compensatory damages, without having to pay back the subrogee. These are important issues that you just seem to not care about any more.

Erik, do you read “Amazing Tales” magazine? It’s really quite good. There’s lots of pictures of little boys in it. Little boys and large, goatee-wearing meteorologists. Would you prefer that, Erik? I'm glad I could help.

Have we resorted to “Erik likes little boys” jokes here at PSHFP? Yes. Yes we have.

By the way, what the hell’s a “subrogee”? Sigh. I think it’s time we all just went to bed.