I'm a vinyl record snob

I'm having one of those John Cusack moments. No, not a "Say Anything" moment, where I'm standing outside a girl's house holding a boombox above my head. No, not a "Better Off Dead" moment, where I'm running away from a newsboy who's screaming, "I want my two dollars!" And definitely not a "Being John Malkovich" moment, where I'm making puppet shows and banging the ugliest Cameron Diaz character in Cameron Diaz movie history.

No, I'm having one of the best John Cusack moments - the "High Fidelity" moment - where I'm sitting in my apartment amongst piles of vinyl records, categorizing them for no reason other than to spend a few hours basking in the pure snobby elitism of collecting vinyl. And also because it's more fun than doing anything useful, constructive, or helpful to my future.

Frankly, I'd rather spend my Sunday night looking through my records than writing a column. So instead of the normal poop jokes and political rants, I'm going to use this column to help catalog my vinyl records. Some of them are good, and some of them suck so bad that I even regret the quarter I spent on them.

But first, in true John Cusack fashion, here is a "Top five of all-time list" of places near Minneapolis where I buy records. Why? Because I feel like it. Eat me, you non-vinyl-collecting poseur.

1. Garagedoor Records (Lyndale Ave.) - this place is out of business now. Rest in peace, my dear used record store. This place was the best. It was tiny, had the musty smell of a wood-paneled basement, and was filled wall-to-wall with cheap records. They had so many piles of stuff, you were guaranteed to find something good if you spent enough time there. Sadly, this secret spot of mine was a little too secret, and the records were a little too cheap, because it's gone.

2. Treehouse Records (2557 Lyndale Ave.) - this place can be a little pricey, which is why most people don't like it. But if you're looking for something you absolutely must have, this is the place. They have a wide assortment of used and new records, with some great deals hiding where you least expect it.

3. Some old pervert's basement (Lake St.) - That's not actually the name of the store. I can't remember the name, but I do remember that it's a basement in a crappy part of Lake St, and it's run by some grubby old guy who, alongside his records, sells vintage copies of Playboy Magazine. Weird. Anyway, he has some good hard-to-find stuff you can't get anywhere else.

4. Electric Fetus, Duluth location (12 E Superior St.) - This place isn't the greatest, but you can usually find some random weird stuff here. The employees can be pricks. If they thumb their noses at you, don't be shy to give them the finger.

5. Know Name Records (6009 Portland Ave.) - Meh. This place is okay. If you're too lazy to drive all the way into Minneapolis, you can find something here.

Worst places in Minneapolis: Cheapo (1300 W Lake St.) - everyone goes here, and they have some of the worst collections of records ever. Let It Be Records (1001 Nicollet Mall) - Every record here is $30. No, seriously. Roadrunner Records (4304 Nicollet Ave.) - Every record here is $20, and most of them suck.

Whew. Okay, let's start cataloguing my records. I'm not putting them in any order. I'm far too lazy for that. Here we go:

*Pearl Jam, Vitalogy - I just bought this Sunday at Hot Topic. I never would have thought a mainstream poseur store like Hot Topic would have good deals on vinyls, but they do. It's my favorite Pearl Jam album, and the artistically scratchy sounding songs are great on a record player. Best of all, it only cost me $12. Too bad the f*@#ing thing skips like crazy. Low quality piece of shite.

*Flogging Molly, Drunken Lullabies - I also bought this one Sunday at Hot Topic. I've never seen a Flogging Molly album on vinyl, especially one that looks this cool. It was only $10.

*Frank Sinatra, Swing Along With Me - This album is one of my favorites. It's got a bunch of Sinatra's faster songs on it. I've probably listened to it more than any of my other records. I don't even remember where I got it, or for how much.

*Bad Religion, The Gray Race - Meh. This record is pretty cool, but I overpaid for it because it's new.

*Less Than Jake, Hello Rockview - This is another really cool-looking record. Plus, it's one of the greatest albums ever known to man. It's not really the type of sound made to be played on a record player, but it's still good. I bought it for $10 from LTJ's website.

*Miles Davis, Greatest Hits - It cost $15 at the perverted guy's basement store, and it only has eight songs on it, but after a really hard day at work, sometimes this is the only thing that will really make me calm.

*James Brown, Soul Classics - This is a re-issued (new) record, and I had to pay $20 for it at Treehouse Records. Also, it's one of those 180 gram records, which is a modern ripoff that doubles the thickness of the record. This means they can only put four songs on each side, which means they it's two records instead of one, which means it costs more. It was still worth it, though. Poppa's got a brand-new bag.

*Count Basie, The Best of Basie - Meh. Why put on Basie when I've already got a Miles Davis album? This was one of those 25 cent albums at Garagedoor Records. Even though Basie is no Miles Davis, it's still a great deal.

*Buddy Holly, Buddy Holly Lives - I don't have much stuff from this era of music, but I dig Buddy Holly. I can't remember where I got this album, but it was cheap.

*The Get Up Kids, Eudora - This is another new album, and it cost me $10 at some place here in La Crosse, WI. I mainly bought it for the remake they did of The Clash's "Close To Me". Too bad it's another one of those 180 gram records. I hate having to flip the record every 15 minutes.

*Marvin Gaye, Every Great Motown Hit of Marvin Gaye - I'm not sure how horrifically drunk I was when I bought this album, but I'm willing to bet I was pretty out of it. I got it at a used book store in Duluth for a few dollars, and once a year, when I'm feeling silly, I play "What's Going On", "I Heard It Through the Grapevine", and "Let's Get It On".

*George Clinton single - I got this four-song vinyl single at Electric Fetus in Duluth for $8. That's way too much to pay for "Atomic Dog", "Dog Talk", "Do Fries Go With that Shake", and "Loopzilla", even if "Atomic Dog" was the song Snoop Dogg ripped off for his first hit. I'm so ashamed of buying this record.

*Bob Dylan, Love and Theft - This album is new, and it's not bad. I bought it at Electric Fetus in Duluth for $15. I think they raised the price because every loser in Duluth has a hard-on for Dylan.

*The Beatles, Live at the BBC - I would highly recommend buying this album. It's got some great covers, including a really good one of "Too Much Monkey Business" by Chuck Berry and "Lucille" by Little Richard. Perhaps the best part about this 69-song album (wow!) is the hooliganism of The Beatles in between songs. I bought it at Treehouse Records for $15, and it's been worth every penny.

*Kiss, Love Gun - Oh, dear God, why? Why did I buy this album? Oh yeah. Because it was only 50 cents. I've listened to it twice, and I hate it.

*Gene Simmons solo album - I didn't buy this one. Back when I was a wee boy, a friend of my brother's brought this album over to our house and played it for us. He had found it in his basement. It sat at our house for over 10 years, and I found it one day during one of my Christmas breaks in college. I was intrigued, and played it. I liked it, and asked my parents if I could have their old record player. The rest, folks, is history. How sad is it that Gene Simmons' solo album got me into collecting vinyl?

*Tony Bennett, I Wanna Be Around - This was one of many Tony Bennett albums I bought at Garagedoor Records for a quarter. This is one of the better ones.

*Tony Bennett's Greatest Hits, Volume III - Another 50 cent album. It's pretty good, but like most Tony Bennett albums, I'm afraid to play it too loudly, for fear that my neighbors will think I'm fruity.

*Burt Bacharach, Greatest Hits - Anyone who mocks me for having this album obviously doesn't understand the humor of an early-1970s Bacharach album cover. I paid $3 for it at a used book store in Duluth.

*Louis Armstrong, The Genius of Louis Armstrong Volume I (1923-1933) - I only like the songs where Louis sings, because in my opinion, he's one of the best singers ever. You can't match his voice. I bought this album at Treehouse records for $7. Great deal.

*Elliott Smith, Figure 8 - Man, do I miss this great artist. He killed himself a little while ago. This was his best album, and as depressing as the album is, it sounds great on vinyl. I got it at Electric Fetus in Duluth for $15, and have listened to it about 1,000 times.

*Steve Martin comedy album - I'm not sure why I bought this from Cheapo for 50 cents, but I did. I haven't listened to it once, and I have no desire to in the future. All I want is my 50 cents back, so I don't have to have this ridiculous eyesore in my serious vinyl collection.

*Count Basie, Pablo Live Montreux '77 - Ugh. Basie is good, but Basie playing live in 1977 is not. Luckily, I only paid 50 cents for it at Cheapo.

*Tony Bennett, This is All I Ask - Anybody want this album for free? I bought it along with the other two Tony Bennett albums, once again for 50 cents. I never listen to it because of the reason I stated before. Plus, because this album sucks ass.

*The Rolling Stones, Still Life - The Rolling Stones, live in 1981! I got this at Globe News in Superior, WI for a dollar, and it has yet to earn it's worth.

*The Beatles, Abbey Road - Unfortunately, this is a re-issued (new) version. I couldn't find a used one . . . or at least not until a month after I bought this one new from Treehouse Records for $17. Damn. It's still cool, though.

*Smashing Pumpkins, Adore - Everyone hated this album but me. I love it. Of course, this album is horribly depressing, but it's still great. I bought it from Cheapo for $17, and it's one of the few expensive albums I've bought that was worth it.

*Tony Bennett, I Left My Heart in San Francisco - This album rocks! And it only cost $3 at Garagedoor Records.

*The Beatles, Meet the Beatles - This was one of those times when I hunted for hours at Garagedoor Records and found something great. It only cost $2. The cover is almost torn in half, but the record is still in perfect condition.

*The Rolling Stones, Hot Rocks - This is the band's greatest hits album, and it's fun to listen to. "Paint it Black" has always been my favorite Rolling Stones song.

*Creedence Clearwater Revival (CCR), Willy and the Poor Boys - What a great find! Only $3 at Garagedoor Records. Anyone who doesn't have this legendary album should be shot.

*Janis Joplin, Pearl - I paid $4 at Treehouse Records for this album, and only because it had "Mercedes Benz" on it. I don't listen to it much.

*Janis Joplin, Greatest Hits - Same place and price as the other Janis Joplin record. I like to hear her scream like the crazy drug addict she was.

*Bruce Springsteen, Born in the USA - Doesn't everyone like this album? It's a good one. I got it at Cheapo for a few bucks.

*Frank Sinatra, A Man and His Music - Yowzer. This album has 32 of Sinatra's best hits on two records. I bought it from Treehouse Records for around $12. It was worth it, especially since it has "Ring-A-Ding Ding" on it.

*Bob Dylan, Greatest Hits - Say what you want about the perverted guy who sells records and ancient smut magazines, but he's got some good stuff for cheap prices. I paid $10 for this one, and it has a ton of classics. Too many to name.

*Bob Dylan, Greatest Hits Volume 2 - This one's great, too. I once again got it from the perverted guy's basement record store, for $4. It was a steal, especially since it has twice as many songs as the first greatest hits album. No sir, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.

*The Beatles, 1967-1970 - Can't remember where I got it, or for how much, but it was less than a CD, which is part of what collecting vinyl is about.

*Chuck Berry, Greatest Hits - This one was from the perverted guy's basement store, too. It cost $10, and it has Japanese writing on it or something. Can anyone tell me what it says? Maybe it's worth something. Either way, you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands. It's one of my favorite albums, and I haven't seen one like it since.

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