The State of the Union speech, clarified for the public

*Note: What Bush said is in boldface. My clarifications are in regular typeface.

hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world in the war on terror . . . they are making America more secure.

No they aren't. They're risking their lives to win the election for you. Assface.

The American economy is growing stronger. The tax relief you passed is working.

If you mean "working" to create a $500 billion deficit, you're correct. But sadly, the economy isn't growing stronger, because there's no freaking jobs. Assface. Also, I don't remember personally being allowed to vote on tax relief.

You are raising the standards of our public schools

No we're not.

. . . and you are giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage under Medicare

No we're not.

the American people are showing that the state of our Union is confident and strong.

Nice use of the title of your speech in your actual speech. Assface.

The killing has continued in Bali, Jakarta, Casablanca

Holy crap! Is Rick Blaine okay?

And one of those essential tools is the PATRIOT Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells and to seize their assets.

So why is John Ashcroft using it against our own people, violating the constitution? Is it because you're an assface?

Key provisions of the PATRIOT Act are set to expire next year.

Why doesn't the transcript have the part right after this sentence, where the Democrats in the crowd cheered? That was freakin' hilarious!

Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens - you need to renew the PATRIOT Act.

Fuck you. Oops, sorry. I swore. But seriously, fuck you.

We are tracking al-Qaida around the world - and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed.

Since we have no way of knowing how many members of al-Qaida there are around the world, how exactly did you arrive at this figure? Was it the same way you arrived at the thought many years ago that you could drive a car while intoxicated?

As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free elections and full participation by women.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Is that what the warlords who took over the country are allowing now? Wow, they must have lightened up a bit since last month.

The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free, and proud, and fighting terror - and America is honored to be their friend.

The people there all hate you because you essentially abandoned them. Give up the propaganda, or let's see some proof that the kids there are in school and women have rights. Let the media in there. What? You won't? Gee, what a big surprise.

the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose and dismantle all of his regime's weapons of mass destruction programs . . . Col. Gadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off, and far more secure, without weapons of mass murder.

So, um, when are we dismantling ours, y'know, since it will make us, in your own words, far more secure?

no one can now doubt the word of America.

Except for all those people who do. All those millions of people from other countries.

Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations . . . Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims - terrified and innocent.

So what about the two dozen or so other countries where that continues to happen? Will we help them, or is Iraq just a political ploy? Oh, and by the way, where are those confounded weapons of mass destruction? Oh yeah, they're non-existant. Never mind, then.

In these last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy . . . because you acted to stimulate our economy with tax relief, this economy is strong, and growing stronger.

Yes, these last three years have indeed revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy. We've proven that even with a complete assface in office, the economy can struggle to survive, even if it will eventually crash when it comes off the bogus sugar buzz provided by the tax cuts. There's no jobs, and it will crash soon, but sadly, that won't happen until after the 2004 election. Then we'll just have to live with our mistake. Also, I don't remember personally being allowed to vote on tax relief.

You have . . . begun to phase out the death tax, reduced taxes on capital gains and stock dividends

We've helped rich people get richer. Great. Also, I don't remember personally being allowed to vote on any of these things.

And jobs are on the rise.

No they aren't. They've just recovered 1% of what they lost so far from your irresponsible spending and poor economic skills.

As technology transforms the way almost every job is done,

"those jobs will be moved overseas for cheaper labor, because I refuse to do anything to stop it."

By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you have

"made bad schools even worse by getting students to leave, which cuts the funding the bad schools get and overcrowds the good schools, making them worse. Oh, and once again, I don't remember personally being allowed to vote on it.

We are providing more funding for our schools

Actually, schools get most of their funding from municipal state aid. Your tax cuts have destroyed most state funding, which means schools have suffered serious cuts in state aid. Assface.

Some want to undermine the No Child Left Behind Act

Yeah, pretty much every educator in the country. Teachers and administrators all hate it because of the reasons I outlined before. Oh, and also because if you require a massive amount of standard testing, teachers will only teach what's on the tests you require, which limits our kids' educations to the basics. Which makes them stupid, unless they do extra work on their own.

The tax reductions you passed are set to expire.

The tax cuts I never voted on will expire? Hooray! So our future does have a chance to be bright!

Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life

"causing anyone who inherits more than $2.6 million at one time to pay a small fee on their unearned wealth (which they have 14 years to pay off, with low interest rates), and allowing kids of rich parents to not pay taxes on wealth that was mainly attained in a tax-free manner through the stock market."

We should make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the American people.

You mean the system that won't be there when I retire because of the record deficit you've created?

This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending and be wise with the people's money.

So if your wasteful spending plans are passed, it's not your fault? You're an assface.

By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years.

HA! And if the deficit isn't cut in half, it's the next president's fault, right? Assface.

By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors

No you didn't. You gave them the bare minimum, and seniors were pissed. Also, what about non-seniors? I'm diabetic and am being treated for depression, and I have $400 worth of medical bills I can't afford to pay right now. Where's my fucking relief?

we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America's health care the best in the world

Except for Canada.

Drug use in high school has declined by 11 percent over the past two years.

Only because you're counting cigarettes as "drugs". Assface.

unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example . . . I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches and players to . . . get rid of steroids now.

OH, YOU BRAVE MAN! YOU'RE TAKING ON THINGS NO ONE HAS EVER TAKEN ON! I APPLAUD YOU! THINGS WILL CHANGE IN NO TIME!

We will double federal funding for abstinence programs

Please see earlier note. Thank you. Assface.

I believe we should respect individuals

"except for those horrid gay people"

The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight

"except for those horrid homosexuals, who (gasp!) want to get married and be included as an 'American family'."

It is also important to strengthen our communities by

"getting rid of those horrid gay people, who will pour magical gay ooze all over our children, converting them to homosexuality."

By executive order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities

And by doing so, you have completely violated the separation of church and state, which is in place in our constitution to make sure our country doesn't show bias towards one religion over another. Such bias, which would be imminent in your plan to give to church charities, is the first step on the road to religious persecution, something we came to this land to escape.

Last month a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island, sent me a letter. It began, "Dear George W. Bush: If there is anything you know, I, Ashley Pearson, age 10, can do to help anyone, please send me a letter and tell me what I can do to save our country."

TELL YOUR PARENTS TO VOTE FOR A DEMOCRAT.

Today is a slightly different, yet very special, edition of Wednesday Music Spotlight. This week I don't bring you music. I bring you an hour-long mp3 of a David Sedaris Christmas special from "This American Life". It will only be available for a week, because it's a large file and I can't afford to use up the space for a long time. But for the time I'll have the extra space, I figured I'd use it for something cool, even if it is outside the holiday season. David Sedaris book reading Music archives

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