Bitterness is a disease, and we shall fook it out of you

The other day someone sent me a link to a webpage about bitterness. This person said I'm too bitter, and that's a bad thing. They also said bitterness is a disease. Well, every disease needs a cure, and since the webpage this person suggested recommends religion, I'd like to start a religion specifically for bitter people.

I've never been a churchgoer, but ironically, today I'm burdened with the task of founding a church, one that bitter people like myself would enjoy attending. Since it's near impossible to turn a pessimist into an optimist, I decided it would be better to teach pessimists like myself to have more fun with our bitterness. To take that angry bitterness and change it into a fun bitterness, a bitterness that makes us laugh instead of fume.

So let's start a church called the "go fook yourself church". This would be a place where angry and bitter people like myself could relieve our weekly tensions in a fun manner.

Much like a regular pastor, the fook pastor would have to write a sermon for each week, but not a regular sermon. He or she would have to write one that's angry, spiteful, but tailored in a way that inspires everyone attending. For if the fook pastor gives a sermon that sucks, the congregation is encouraged to heckle.

If the fook pastor whines about his crappy life instead of giving universal examples, stand up and call him a "little bitch". If the pastor isn't bitter enough for your tastes, pelt him in the face with an inanimate object you brought from home. If the pastor's sermon is too long, run to the pulpit and beat him with a sock full of quarters.

Naturally, the atmosphere for our congregation would be similar to that of a Southern Baptist church. Much like Southern Baptists, people at the fook church could stand up and shout things whenever their faith compelled them. But instead of just yelling "hallelujah", "amen", and "lord-a-mercy", our congregation would also yell things like "Kick his wife down the stairs", "Punch that bastard right in his shitter", or "Hey lady, show us your boobs"

To explain this idea further, I have put together an example:

Pastor Guy: I'm bitter because my wife is a large woman.

Drunk Guy: You're a large woman!

Pastor Guy: Shut your mouth, bitch, or I'll shut it for you.

Drunk Guy: I shut your wife's mouth last night by sticking my . . .

Pastor Guy: YEAH? Well I crapped in your air conditioning duct. Have fun this summer.

Another Drunk Guy: Show us your boobs!

The church motto would be "Happy hour should be as early as possible." And at the fook church, it would be. Services would be held on Tuesdays, so church could get out of work for a few hours instead of wasting your weekend away. The happy hour would start at 9 a.m., to be followed by the bitter sermon at 11 a.m., to be followed by another happy hour and a large buffet.

I think this new style of church would be wildly popular. It would be a way for bitter people to finally find happiness by joining with other bitter people and sticking it to everyone. If anyone would like to start this church, the Internet, not surprisingly, has everything you need to start it in just seven easy steps. I'll even spring for the booze.

Anything for a fellow fooker.

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   BeerMan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Paul has finally started a cult. Im gonna go to the Bitterness Church with my finest keg. Mike      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   ...and when they all wake up on wednesday, they can come to my church; The hump-day church. And after five or ten minutes, everyone can go back to thr church of sleep. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   And after the sermon/happy hour/buffet, they\'ll go to my church, the Church of Sleep. The bed is the holy object of my church. mindwalker      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   This is nothing new...obviously you\'ve never been to a Jewish service.

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