An indecent proposal

I've never been shy about being a sellout. Anytime someone accuses me of selling out, I happily admit to it. If I could figure out a way to use this website to strip you of every dollar in your wallet, I would. If members of the general public were interested in buying Chinese New Year products, I'd be on the street corner overcharging for shoddy t-shirts with "Year of the monkey" written on them in black magic marker. If someone paid me $20 to kick your mother in the back, down a flight of stairs, on her birthday, I'd do it and show her the money afterwards.

I'd also be totally okay with taking roles in R-rated movies that involve unwarranted nudity.

But to cut to the chase, I received an e-mail yesterday from someone who wants to advertise on this website. It's the first time anyone's requested ad space here, and I don't blame them. In fact, I'm surprised people didn't start asking sooner. With 600,000 hits per second, this website handles over 51.8 billion visitors daily. As you can see from this attractive bar graph, Daily Ramblings has a flying crapload of visitors.

FLYING CRAPLOAD, READER! FLYING CRAPLOAD! Wowee! Yee-haw! Zippity-doo! Year . . . of . . . the monkey! Compared to those other so-called "popular" websites, this one is 3.6 billion times better. I've never made a cent off this website, and fear not, reader, because I won't be anytime soon.

The person who wanted to advertise gave me two offers: one for pop-under ads that appear when people leave the site, and another for e-mail mailings. Since both of these advertising methods are annoying and wrong, I rejected the offer.

I hate pop-up ads, and I hate pop-under ads even more. Those are the ones that go behind your main browser window, so you don't notice them until you try to close your browser. They linger like a stinky poo surprise your dog dropped in the corner behind the table. You don't notice it until it's too late, until it's molted into a softened pile of brown corn and dirty peanuts.

E-mail ads are even worse. I don't collect e-mail addresses from visitors to this site, and I never will. Your friends here at Daily Ramblings will never offer you a larger penis or a wild she-male orgy . . . at least not over e-mail. While we do have the technology to give you a bigger penis - or, if you wish, a third nipple - we refuse to burden you with our triumphs in modern science. And while we most certainly have a room or two crammed full of chicks with floppy sticks, we're not going to ask you to watch them, even though we know you want to.

In all seriousness, I'm fine with appropriate banner ads ("appropriate" meaning no ads with sound, no strobe-like flashing backgrounds that give people seizures, no "Your PC is infected" ads, etc.), but you're never going to find advertising that annoys you here. I prefer to keep everything that's annoying in my columns. I'm enough of a jerk store myself, and I don't need competition.