Oscar moments you may have missed

Hark, gentle reader! I have returned to the column world with my breath reeking of hurl. No, seriously, it does. In a cruel twist of fate, I ended my vacation from writing columns Saturday by kneeling in the bathroom and ejecting my dinner into the toilet. It was a wonderful 24-hour bug that, if nothing else, at least provided me with an opportunity to use the phrase "ejecting my lunch into the toilet."

Ahh, but I was fine the next day, and it's a good thing, too. Sunday was Oscar night, and through my various contacts in the entertainment industry*, I watched the show without the five-second TV delay. This allows me to fill you in on all the zany things the people in charge of the Oscars don't want you to see. Like last year, when people held down Michael Moore after the show, and forced him to shave. Or the year before, when Bob Hope crashed into the podium with his golf cart and died.

*I may be a liar, but that doesn't make you any less gullible.

Anyway, enough about past years. Let's look at some of the highlights from this year. Some of them you'll remember, and some of them you might have missed:

-When Sofia Coppola nearly bit her own face off with her gigantic horse teeth. (Photo at right)

-The exact moment when everyone realized Billy Crystal isn't funny . . . about four seconds into the show.

-When I went blind for 45 minutes after seeing Billy Crystal nearly naked in the opening skits.

-When I went deaf for 45 minutes after hearing Billy Crystal attempt to sing after the opening skits.

-When red carpet interviewer Meredith Vieira took off her dress and gave me a lap dance. Oh sorry, that didn't really happen. That was just my own little fantasy.

-When I ran, jumped through my TV screen, and kicked red carpet interviewer Chris Connelly in the nuts for being a smiley moron, and an untalented hack who kisses the ass of everyone he interviews. (Photo at right)

-When I made fun of that "Finding Nemo" guy's whale of a wife, and nobody but me laughed.

-When Renee Zelwegger won the best supporting actress award, and I got pissed off because she clearly didn't deserve it as much as Patricia Clarkson from "Pieces of April" or Holly Hunter from "Thirteen".

-The fact that nobody but me bothered to see "Pieces of April" or "Thirteen", two of the best movies of the year.

-The fact that "Pieces of April" is an indie movie, and because of that, Amazon, Best Buy, and everyplace else charges a whopping $20-$25 for the DVD, instead of the normal $12-$15. Jerkoffs.

-When Tim Robbins won best supporting actor and didn't mention one word about how much President George W. Bush sucks. He's a classier man than I am. Not that that's very hard.

-When Benicio Del Toro crapped his pants and wiped the poo on his chin, and no one noticed the difference. (Photo at right)

-During the tribute to Bob Hope, when a drunk guy in the back row yelled "Hey! That guy's freakin' dead!"

-When Liv Tyler presented the award for best song, and did it in such a classy and distinguished manner that we all forgot for a moment what a crusty whore she is.

-When, as a Nation, we collectively realized how ugly Annie Lennox is.

-When that lady in the Dairy Queen commercial practically had an orgasm, and that was really the only thing in the commercial. They didn't show any ice cream or food. Just the lady's pseudo orgasm while eating. It's about time Dairy Queen realized that showing people DQ food just makes them not want to eat at DQ.

-When Jim Carrey came out, and everyone pretended to like him. And everyone pretended he was funny. Really, about the only thing funny about Jim Carrey was his Justin Timberlake hairstyle. (Photo at right)

-When the effects guy with the odd glasses from the Lord of the Rings came out, and I thought to myself, "Wow, he's pretty ugly."

-The second time the effects guy with the odd glasses from the Lord of the Rings came out, and his ugliness started to annoy me.

-The third time the effects guy with the odd glasses from the Lord of the Rings came out, and I began to hate him and secretly plot his demise.

-The fourth time the effects guy with the odd glasses from the Lord of the Rings came out, and I threw my shoe at the television.

-During the tribute to Katharine Hepburn, when they wheeled out her dead corpse and Francis Ford Coppola tried to have sex with it.

-When presenter Oprah Winfrey started talking in that deep-voiced, self-important manner, and I rolled my eyes and left the room to take a leak.

-When the Chornobyl Hospital lady spoke, looking like she had been snorting cocaine for the last four hours.

-The fact that it took two hours and 15 minutes for someone to make an anti-Bush comment, and that all the anti-Bush comments were done in a short, comical way, instead of in that annoying Michael Moore way. Very classy stuff.

-When they showed all the actors and actresses who died in the past year, and Francis Ford Coppola kept saying "Did her, did her, did him, did both of them at the same time . . ."

-The irony of the Lord of the Rings, a three and a half hour movie, winning the award for "best editing".

-Holy crap! Jamie Lee Curtis had all the fat sucked out of her thighs and ass, and implanted in her boobs! I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but that much boob is just gross. Especially with her haircut. It looked like a pregnant man with makeup on was trying to seduce us. (Photo at right)

-When Will Ferrell whipped it out on stage and sang the Oscar Meyer wiener song, and the Academy halted the ceremony, held a vote, and awarded Ferrell a special Oscar just for that.

-When Billy Crystal whipped it out on stage, and nobody noticed because it was too small to see.

-When Charlize Theron won best actress, and someone had to throw a bag of feces at her onstage before she finally shut the hell up.

-The fact that comedies always get the shaft from the Academy, which is why Bill Murray and Johnny Depp didn't win best actor. But it was worth it for Sean Penn's "there were no WMD's" joke.

-Lord of the Rings won 11 Oscars: every single one the movie was nominated for. This was stellar, but it still doesn't change the fact that director Peter Jackson looks like porn star Ron Jeremy. (Photo at right)