New inventions involving NyQuil

I'm a busy man, and like many busy men in the busy business of business with busy men who are not quite as busy as me, I don't have time for eight hours of sleep. I work all day and come home each night to write a column for this website, which leaves me little time for needless things like hobbies, a social life, or sleep. But even those of us who get little to no sleep sometimes have trouble catching the reduced amount of z's we'd like. We could use something to help us get our full four hours of sleep each night.

NyQuil, the longtime leader in over-the-counter coma-inducing medicine, is of no use to me. Others who get a full eight hours of sleep can drink down that little cup without a care, collapsing down the stairwell on their way to bed and waking up refreshed and ready for work in the morning. Just like on the commercials. But my sleep schedule is different, so if I were to take NyQuil, I'd be four hours late for work. What I need is a four hour NyQuil that, while still making me collapse into a mild coma within seconds, lasts for only half the time.

I'd also like it to be cherry flavored, if possible. The taste of cherry is profoundly delicious, dear reader.

I truly believe a good four hours of sleep - with the aid of the hardcore, addictive, and possibly illegal narcotics found in NyQuil - would make my life complete. The assurance of four hours of blissful yet somewhat non-productive sleep each night, plus a "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" style automatic breakfast setup in my apartment, would make me the happiest man alive. Nothing's better than a pancakes, bacon, and sausage smiley face covered in Mr. T cereal. Especially after a good four hours of rest.

Trust me, I'm not selfish, reader. I'm not just thinking of myself when I come up with these great ideas. When it comes to NyQuil, I want it to be enjoyed by all. Therefore, I have come up with another brilliant marketing idea for NyQuil. For parents, I introduce the NyQuil Rag. It's the same fast-acting and long lasting NyQuil, but in the form of a rag soaked in chloroform. This way, when it's time for your children to go to bed, you don't have to waste your time doing something silly like reading them a story or beating them with a belt until they shut up. You can just sneak up behind them, tackle them and push the NyQuil Rag over their nose and mouth until they go limp.

Just to be safe, there will be a big warning label on the NyQuil Rag that says, "CAUTION: ONLY FOR USE ON ANNOYING CHILDREN. PLEASE DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT TO RAPE PEOPLE."

Why I haven't been hired by NyQuil, I'll never know. I even went so far as to create a magazine ad for them:

Parents are gonna love me.

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Reader Comments

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virginia      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   im looking for something to calm my daog down he keeps on barking because my girl dogs is in heat and she is perfectly normal , but its himn that is just going crazy. Is ther something out there? richard thomas      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   You didn\'t send a column this week so I stole this one. Maybe you should not send columns more often, it gets me looking at the rest of your website. test      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   test Anna      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Yeah, I sleep with a drooling, barking rodent. What a comforting thought. zam      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   That\'s why you shouldn\'t own a terrier, Anna. They\'re just glorified rodents. Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   You\'re not a parent, Scapegoat. You\'re just a date rapist. Scapegoat      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   As a parent, I fully support the NyQuil Rag. Hell, I\'d like to pre-order a crate, if that\'s possilbe. Anna      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Some people tried to make me mormon today. Bec      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I never pass out...but I just wanted to say great job going back to a good ol\' classic subject. You used to talk/write about this sometimes. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   NyQuil doesn\'t have that \"pass out on the floor like a sack of potatoes\" effect on me. Although it does make me feel loopy. God bless the NyQuil cocktail.

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