Let's have a discussion about middle fingers

I never thought it would be necessary, especially on a website from the United States, to discuss proper ways to give people the finger, but apparently some folks need help. My friend Kate is on vacation in Washington DC, and one of the small favors I asked of her was to take a photo of herself giving the finger to the White House.

There are three reasons why I requested this: 1) I'm not a fan of the man currently occupying the White House, 2) I like cool anarchist-looking photos like that, and 3) I was hoping to get Kate arrested for indecency, or some other ridiculous charge. If Attorney General John Ashcroft is offended by statue boobs, who knows what he'd think of some liberal chick giving his boss' house the ol' long finger surprise.

Unfortunately, Kate was with her parents on the trip, and since her parents are Republicans, she failed to fulfill her duties. She attempted to sport a disguised solo salute in the photo, but it was sorely lacking in middle fingery goodness.

Instead of boldly displaying her middle finger for all to see, Kate opted for the subtle third-grader style of "I'm flipping you off, but you'll never prove it" middle finger delivery. The problem with this, of course, is it's been done. I collected baseball cards as a kid, Miss Kate, so I'm well aware of the obscene gesture cloaking technique. It's old hat, so much so that Billy Martin even used it in this 1972 baseball card nine years before Kate was born. Look out kids, here comes some upside down bird flippin'!

I was really hoping for Kate to give the White House the double whammy, commonly known as "the deuce", with both hands extended and middle-fingers-a-blazin'. But I certainly would have settled for an enthusiastic solo deuce, as exhibited here by former baseball player Pete Rose.

On a side note, if there's a "Hairstyle Hall of Fame", Pete Rose should be in it. His barber must have mistaken for a retarded kid that week and given him the "special boy" cut.

Anyway, let's end today's column with a step-by-step tutorial on giving the finger.

Step 1: Make your hand into a fist, as if you were about to about to tell Rip Taylor, without speaking, that he and his bucket of confetti are not welcome in your home.

Step 2: Extend your arm outward, with your palm up. Then move your arm to a 90-degree angle. You should now be positioned so that if a face were drawn on your hand in classic hand puppet fashion, it would be facing you as it spoke.

Step 3: Lift your middle finger up. While doing this, do not pretend you are turning a crank, or blowing the finger up like a balloon. Such flamboyant behavior takes away from the seriousness of your gesture, and is considered tacky.

Step 4: Hold this position for at least 45 seconds. Though the other person will likely have noticed your gesture before then, and will probably have begun talking back or yelling, you must continue the gesture for the full three-quarters of a minute, so the full meaning can sink in for the person.

Step 5: Lower your finger, lower your arm, and relax your fingers. If the other person tries to slap your hand away at any time during the 45-second gesture, that would be what we call "go time". Proceed into go time at your own risk.