News So Phat, You'll Split Your Pants

original print date, October 1998.

.....Hello, and welcome to the first Promethean of the year. This first spectacular issue is power packed with news, interviews, sports, opinion, and possibly a stick of bubble gum. Our staff has worked very hard to bring you the best looking and least annoying paper possible. In suport of this, I have decided not to include my picture. We've added more humor (not good humor, my humor) to spice it up a little, and better coverage of events so we can keep you informed. So if you have any useless news stories to report, such as your birthday, the new car grandma bought, or a dog wedding you held in your backyard, this is the column for it. Send them in, because this is your paper. I want to use this space to print things that are interesting to you-- though I probably wouldn't print the dog wedding story, because that is moronic and even beneath me.
.....This column is here to let you know what's happening around campus. News shorts, rumors, lousy comments-- this is their home. Our crack team of one (me) goes around collecting interesting stories for you (the reader) to enjoy.
.....I hope you like my motto, "News so phat, you'll split your pants." I decided on that one after I had five or six other (much dirtier) ones rejected by the executive board. These are the only other ideas I had that were printable:

"When important news breaks, I cover the other crap,"

"New so good, you'll punch a hippie,"

"News for people who can't read Braille."

.....Personally, I like the last one. It makes you feel like you're in a special club.
.....Onward to the news! First on the list is mono. Rumor has it there's an outbreak of mono in the dorms. Okay, so maybe it was only a couple of people, but hey, I'm stretching to find a story here. I'm not sure exactly how many people came down with mono (some people thought they had mono, but it turned out they were just really really tired), but just to be safe, I'll give some tips on how to avoid getting it.

1. Wash your hands once every thirty seconds.
2. Don't make out with anyone who looks tired.
3. Don't make out with anyone who says, "I am tired."
4. Don't make out with anyone who says, "I have mono."
5. Don't make out with anyone who has been making out with everyone.
6. Don't take baths with strangers.
7. Stay in your room and lock the door. Don't open the window or use any objects that could transmit mono into your room; such as a television, radio, or overhead projector.
8. Don't go to the bathroom-- ever.

.....I know this hasn't been very helpful, but you have to understand-- I just don't care.
.....Apparently, volleyball players have been dropping like flies. What made them quit? Is it the coach, the team, or the fact that Chad, our sports editor, has legal access to their locker room for "interviewing" them? I think we solved that mystery.
.....I really don't have too much more news to give you. The only other information I know is that this guy once told me that if you're running away from an alligator, you should zig zag. i don't know why you should zig zag, or even why he told me this piece of information, but he got an A on his English test, so he has to know something. I said I'd climb a tree, but he pointed out that if I did, I might be eaten by monkeys. So make sure to keep that in mind until the next issue, for it will surely be monkey season by then.