Dan Stock: hey douchebag, I stole your Ferris Bueller head

On Saturday, I traveled to my old college town of Duluth, MN, for Dan Stock's twenty-second birthday party. While at this "party", I was forced to watch a film that offended me deeply. This film was a little too much "party" for my polished, conventional tastes, and the memory of it makes me shudder. It was something I hadn't been exposed to before, and its content has scarred me for life.

My innocence was ruined that evening. I arrived at Dan Stock's party a boy, but left having seen something so icky, vile, and offensive that I had no choice but to leave my innocence behind forever.

Now I'm left longing for my younger, more naive days, when I only thought of movies in terms of the fine family films playing at movie theaters. Sweet, innocent memories of classic film scenes, like Tom Hanks dancing on the piano in "Big", the little girl saying the "angel gets its wings" line in "It's A Wonderful Life", and the guy falling in toxic waste and then waddling in the street until a car hits him and reduces him to a puddle of puke in "Robocop".

No, reader, I was not forced to watch hermaphroditic porn at Dan Stock's party, though I'm sure he has some stashed somewhere under his bed. No, I was forced to watch something much worse: the 1985 movie "Legend", starring Tom Cruise and the chick who played Sloan, Ferris' girlfriend in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off".

I cannot describe the horror of this boring, corny, sissified movie. It's like watching a bloody car accident, or one of Jim Carrey's latest movies: it's so horrible that it's difficult to look away. You can feel the vomit inching up your throat as you watch, but you keep looking because you want to see how much worse it will get.

The only way to know the horror of this movie is to rent it and see for yourself, but I beg you not to do that, reader. Rent "Labyrinth". Rent "Willow". Rent "The Neverending Story 2", for Christ's sake, but don't rent "Legend". It's more painful than watching a week-long Dungeons & Dragons tournament emceed by PBS political humorist Mark Russell.

So what does all this have to do with Ferris Bueller's head? Well, Dan Stock is a big fan of the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", and like a girly college freshman, he has a little posterboard on his bedroom door showing where he is and what he's doing. Is Dan at school? Is he sleeping? Is he doing homework? Is he in class? Perhaps he's at work? With one look at this Ferris Bueller themed posterboard, you'll know exactly where to find Dan.

The problem is that nobody knows where Dan is anymore, because I stole the Ferris Bueller head Dan uses to mark his location. I am holding the Ferris Bueller head hostage until Dan agrees to burn that copy of the movie "Legend". I realize there are other copies of the movie, and this act of terrorism won't end the horror, but if having one less copy in the world saves even one person from seeing it, my effort will be worth it.

Burn the movie, Dan Stock! Otherwise, Ferris gets it. Each week that you fail to comply with my request, I'll cut off a piece of Ferris' head and mail it to you. To show you I'm serious, each piece of Ferris will be thoroughly soaked in my urine. The first piece gets mailed out next Monday, Dan. The ball is in your court.

(Ass whooping updated daily)

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Megan S.      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I don\'t affiliate myself with such filth, Jojo. Jojo      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Ever heard of professional wrestling Megan? Megan S.      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I\'ve never heard anyone but myself use the term \"Battle Royale.\" Good work, Paul. stewie      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   ya hump! Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Oh, come on, \"Legend\" was sooooooooo good! I was so disappointed I missed the first half of the movie. It\'s even out on DVD, which is probably filled with a wonderful director\'s cut and insightful interviews with the cast.

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