April Fools Day tricks that don't involve smearing pudding on toilet seats

Before everyone starts berating me, yes, I know writing a column about April Fools Day jokes is lame. Every joke has been done before and they're all dumb.

Replacing the wallpaper image on someone's computer with a screenshot of the person's computer desktop, and then removing their icons and watching as they try to figure it out is lame. Taping down the switchhook on the phone and watching as they try to figure out why they can't answer the phone is lame. Filling someone's car or cubicle with styrofoam packing peanuts has been done many times, and is lame.

No, wait. The packing peanuts one is still funny if you throw dog poo into the pile, so when the person cleans it up they grab poop. But other than that, those lame old tricks all suck. Luckily, I've spent my entire "productive" workday scourging Internet messageboards and racking my brain for April Fools jokes, and I think I've come up with some decent ones. I've separated them into categories, from "Funny" to "Pretty lame". Enjoy, reader.

· Change the default font on someone's Internet browser to "wingdings", "map symbols", or any of the other fonts that use pictures instead of letters. Every webpage that doesn't specify a font (like this one) will show symbols instead of words.

· Fill out a "while you were out" phone message, and put down the number to the local zoo as the contact phone number. Put "Ellie Faunce" as the contact person. This sounds lame, but seriously, it's so incredibly dumb that you'll be on the floor laughing.

· If you live in a larger city, urinate in a Jose Cuervo bottle and leave it on the bus.

· Call your mom and tell her you're pregnant. Then ask her if you can borrow a coat hanger.

· Pick a small country that poses no threat to America, and tell everyone they have weapons of mass destruction. Then tell everyone that the country is going to use the weapons of mass destruction - which you know they don't have - on us and we're all going to die if we don't go bomb them. Then use the war as the basis for your entire re-election campaign.

· Buy one of those peanut brittle cans with the toy snakes in them. Take out the snakes and fill the can with peanut brittle. When your friend opens it, yell "Suprise!" and punch him really hard in the balls.

· Put ads in a local alternative newspaper advertising "free phone sex". Enter your friend's name and phone number. Keep renewing the ad until your friend starts enjoying the calls from perverted men.

· In the middle of work, send people an e-mail with a picture of Michael J. Fox in it. Write "Michael J. Fox, 1960-2004" in the text part of the e-mail. Go discuss his death with your co-workers, and when it gets quiet, yell out, "HE'S NOT REALLY DEAD, BUT IF HE WERE, HE'D BE SHAKING IN HIS GRAVE!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! GET IT?? HAHAHA!!!"

· This bullet-point isn't a joke. It's just me pointing out that I'm on a gravy train to hell for that Michael J. Fox joke, and you're coming with me because you laughed at it.

· Call your parents at 3 a.m. Tell them you got arrested for a DWI, and ask them to come pick you up. Don't tell them it's an April Fool's joke, just let them figure that out for themselves when they get to the police station. Make sure to unplug your phone afterwards, so they can't wake you up and bitch at you.

· Most kitchen sinks have an attachment that sprays water. Wrap a rubber band around it until the trigger is firmly held down. It's lame, but it works on my mom every year. (Hint, hint: since my brother and I won't be at the house this year, that means it's your turn, Dad.)

· Steal the license plate from the back of your friend's car. Laugh when your friend gets a ticket for it. Laugh again when your friend has to pay more to order another set of license plates. Laugh even harder when your friend realizes they can't drive the car until the new plates come in the mail. Then stop laughing, because if your friend realizes it was you, he or she will beat the living hell out of you.

· Freeze a can of shaving cream. Crack open the can and put it in a drawer in someone's desk. When it thaws, it'll be messy. Ha. Ha. Yeaaaah. This one's especially lame.

· Ladies, tell your boyfriend you're dumping him, and that you've been having sex with Paul Ryan for the last few weeks. Actually, scratch that. Nobody will believe that.

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Reader Comments

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Kelly-Shamrock O\'Neilly      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I think you should add better jokes, although some are ok I wouldn\'t try them all. sarah1231      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   they are so funny! me and my buds are goin to a hotel for her b-day party, so we are gonna do pranks on her mom and little sis---since the next day is april fools day! Madz      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Put an ad in the newspaper about 2 friends saying \"Hi. Our names are Friend1 and Friend2. We are a gay couple looking for a third man to do a 3-some. Call us at ...\" Bec      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I used to do the spray thing and my parents get pissed every time... martin      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   ya but the funniest april fools joke is only a girl---go, but I could say I got my girlfriend pregnant, and than ask for a coathanger!!! Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Stop bitching, people. It\'s not an attractive quality. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   It takes forever. Why? Because we have to spend our time looking nice for fuckhead males. jojo      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   no shit, girls are so fucked compared to guys, you know how long it takes them to dry their hair? Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   No, no, being a girl isn\'t all it\'s cracked up to be. Don\'t wish to be a girl. martin      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   · Call your mom and tell her you\'re pregnant. Then ask her if you can borrow a coat hanger.

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