High-speed Internet for all? No thanks

Let's be realistic for a second here: George W. Bush saying everyone should have high-speed Internet by 2007 is like me saying everyone should pee standing up. I don't know what it's like to not have a penis, and therefore I shouldn't proclaim upright urination for everyone. Likewise, Bush doesn't know anything about high-speed Internet, and therefore he shouldn't proclaim it for everyone.

And this is coming from a computer dork who loves the Internet. I spend a lot of time online, and if you took away my 2 MB cable Internet connection, you'd find me huddled in a corner of my apartment a few days later, shaking and screaming like a man who had been cut off from society for 20 years.

"What time is it? I can't tell without my computer! What's the temperature outside, and the five-day weather forcast? I can't tell without my computer!! What's happening in the news? What's happening in the music world? What movies are playing at the local theater? I CAN'T TELL BECAUSE MY PRECIOUS INTERNET HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY! OH GOD, GIVE IT BACK!"

Seriously, my computer is the most important item in my apartment, and the Internet is my link to the world. Therefore, one might conclude that I'd be in favor of Bush's "high-speed Internet for everyone by 2007" plan. I'm not. Why? Because like usual, he has no clear plan for how to get it. He wants to "keep the entrepreneurial spirit strong" by not taxing access to high-speed Internet, and he expects the result to be more competition for high-speed Internet companies and lower prices.

Unfortunately, high-speed Internet is not an entrepreneurial industry. I can't take out a loan and start my own high-speed Internet company. It takes a lot of knowledge and a big pile of money. But so far, Bush has proposed nothing that would make high-speed Internet cheaper. Extending the Internet tax ban (which I also fully support) is great, but it does nothing to make prices cheaper for high-speed Internet access.

Bush also doesn't explain how the Internet will get to everyone. Who's going to pay to send high-speed Internet to sparsely-populated areas with few users? The government would have to sponsor it, because no sane company would waste that much money just so they can lose money from a lack of users.

But the fun doesn't stop there. There's other problems with Bush's plan. For instance, computer viruses and worms. Look at all the people in this country now who aren't intelligent enough to protect their computers with firewalls, antivirus programs, and e-mail spam filtering. If everyone had high-speed access, viruses and worms would spread like wildfire, causing incredibly expensive damage to businesses, and slowing down the Internet as a whole.

Yes, believe it or not, the Internet can be slowed down by garbage like viruses and worms. It's not some magical force upheld by God. The Internet is run by machines, and we've already seen some massive slowdowns from all the spam mail sent around.

Speaking of the threat of slower Internet, what do you think happens to the speed of my Internet connection when the amount of people in my apartment building or neighborhood with high-speed access doubles or triples? My connection gets much slower. So even if everyone could have high-speed Internet by 2007, Internet providers might not be ready for it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: this idea needs a plan. Bush just seems to expect things to work out on their own, but they won't. Preparations need to be made, not only in pricing, but in help given to new technology companies, help given to established technology companies that are growing, help fighting spam and viruses, and about a million other things.

But if Bush is serious about this, I'll even give him a detailed plan he can start with, free of charge:

Step 1: Encourage states to stop prohibiting small, community-owned telecom companies. Competition is competition, whether the government helps out or not. The key to getting high-speed Internet in sparsely-populated areas right now is small, community-owned companies.

Step 2: Take the time to find out whether people who don't have high-speed Internet actually want it. Most people don't care about high-definition TV, yet Bush went on some big crusade a while ago to give everyone high-definition TV by 2005, too. That didn't work because - just like in this case - Bush didn't have a plan for how to do it.

Step 3: If the demand for high-speed Internet is there, and experts say more of its usage will help the economy, then offer large government grants and tax cuts to high-speed Internet companies, similar to the ones Bush recently gave to small businesses to purchase SUV's.

Step 4: Let the experts take over, and give it some time to work, but also keep informed on technology advances like satellite Internet, which may someday help people in rural areas get high-speed access without as much cost. If a new form of technology becomes affordable or is shown to be useful enough to make a difference, fight for it so it will thrive.

Step 5: When the economy is thriving and America's deficits are paid off, buy everyone a pony.

Is this a great song or what? I'll give you the answer: it's a freakin' awesome song. The Avatars are straight outta Detroit with a catchy sound full of guitars and yummy pop goodness. They're also my new favorite band. If you like this song (and how couldn't you? I mean it's freakin' great!), be sure to check out their website, where you can download it, along with a second good song called "Honey Do". Oh, and just for the record, I've got dibs on their bass player (girl in the lower-left corner). I saw her first, damnit. "Wait" by The Avatars -Music archives -Pepsi cap donation

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   zam      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Even Bush knows it\'s dumb. He just wants more press. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I very much enjoy that in the short amount of time it took you to write this column, you came up with a better plan than Bush and his troop of monkeys, I mean, advisors could come up with after hours, even days, of thought. Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I didn\'t include that because Bush is essentially just responding to Kerry\'s accusation that Bush doesn\'t have technology plans. If this was something Bush was really serious about, I would have gone into that. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   My whole thing when I read the article that said Bush wanted high-speed for every American is that not every American has food on the table or a roof over their head. I think that\'s pretty important for him to be working on first, versus high-speed.

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