Letters column 31: here come the crazy people

There's nothing, and I mean nothing I enjoy more than letters from people who are 100% thoroughly crazy. With a website like this one, I tend to get a lot of those, and I treasure each one. They're like snowflakes: each crazy person is different in their own way, and each one makes me laugh for different reasons. This month, I have been lucky enough to get a bundle of crazy people letters right in a row, and I'd like to share them with you.

But remember, they're not crazy people, they're snowflakes. Albeit, snowflakes that have trouble spelling and read at a third-grade level, but unique nonetheless.

Our first lovable whackjob is Rachel from England, who wrote in with two of her friends. I'm always excited to get letters from England, because I've always wanted to visit there, and I save each letter so I can someday hit up all my fans there for booze, prostitutes, and hardcore narcotics. And now, if I ever do visit, apparently I'll be able to see Rachel and her friends in the "West end clubs". I'm not sure what those are, but she makes them seem dirty, and I'm all for that.

Hey Paul, me and my 2 m8s - alis n m - we av red ur page n seen ur pic. we fink u r hot n WELL funi!!! we wer gona rite to u bt we fort u wudnt rite bk (and as seen as we are 21 rejection is a big deal!!) we work in the west end clubs! if u no wot we mean! (wink wink) lol! plz get bk 2 us! lv u loads

This is the first letter I've read where someone actually talks like their accent is supposed to sound. For those of you who don't understand the long-forgotten language of "drunken Internet typing", where all the words are misspelled and most vowels are missing, I will translate.

Rachel's letter translates to: "Greetings and salutations Paul, my two friends and I - Alice and "M" (perhaps the same "M" from the James Bond films?) - have read your columns and seen your photograph. We think you are attractive and humorous. We were going to send correspondence before, but were afraid our gratitude would not be returned. We are young and fragile, and not hearing back from you would be as horrible as ingesting Laertes' poison, which sealed young Hamlet's fate. In words: we fear the tragedy that is unanswered e-mail. By the way, we work in fancy English strip clubs. Come get some."

Yes ladies, I understand your fear. But keep in mind that while Laertes poisoned Hamlet, he also lost his own life to the very same poison. So I would not reject you, for fear of bad karma. By the way, can I get a free lap dance?

Ahem. Perhaps we should move on to the second crackpot. A person who calls herself "Crisp" is the crackpot I speak of. Strangely enough, Crisp is from London. Perhaps she has seen Rachel in the west end clubs.

hey paul! okay, my friend has the same surname as you and is obbsesed with vampires, mainly because she thinks she is one. please help me!! she is obsessed and i am afraid that she will try and suck someones blood. help!!!

So you automatically assume the creepy vampire lady will listen to me because we have the same last name? You know, hall of fame baseball player Nolan Ryan also has the same last name. Why not contact him? Or how about actress Meg Ryan? She seems to have experience with sucking.

I figured if I ignored this vampire-related e-mail, the issue would just go away. Unfortunately, I was wrong, because the next looney letter I received was from - you guessed it - the vampire lady herself. Her friend Crisp apparently said I was going to stab her with a wooden stake or something.

hey listen here. wot is rong wid been a vamp. i am half vampire and i c noting rong we dnt kill vampaneze kill they drain all blood and all we do is inject a bit out and dey live ok????

The vampire lady, who is actually named Charlotte, is from Toronto. I'm not sure how a vampire from Toronto hooks up with someone in London with equally bad spelling skills, but I guess that's what the Internet's for. However, I am excited to learn that vampires don't kill people. I had never heard of "the vampaneze", and the vampire lady has been kind enough to squash the vicious lies put forth by Bram Stoker and the rest of the Hollywood elite. Take that, guy who died before movies were ever invented!

We're down to our last schizoid letter, and it's not even from all that crazy a person. In fact, it's from Andrew in New York, a man who makes documentary films, and he probably thinks I'm crazy. He read my column about offering $50 to anyone to punch a member of PETA, and wants to interview me for a documentary about people who hate PETA.

Hi, I am doing a film on PETA and animal rights. I see from your website you are not exactly happy with PETA -- you are offering $50 for someone to punch one of their members in the face. Would you be willing to be interviewed on camera about this? Also, do you live near NYC?

Normally, I'd be excited about getting interviewed for a documentary, but since I was kidding about the $50 for punching PETA people deal, I declined. But hey, feel free to check out Andrew's website. They seem to have some interesting cultural documentaries.

That's all for the crazy letters. I can only read so many of them before I get a headache. If you know anyone's who crazy, feel free to send them here by clicking the "recommend" icon below. I can always use more material.

Paul goes to a "storm watchers" seminar, which is for people who report tornados and other severe weather. He counts the mullets, and sits through two hours of torture with stinky hicks who all have the same haircut. Based on a true story.    Hockey Night St. Paul weirdness Join Now and don't miss out! Content since start: 3 columns, 45 Crapalog entries

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Reader Comments

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Bruise      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   What\'s great about the nickname \"Bruise\" was that my license plates had \"Bruise\" personalized on them. And of course, the car had to be part of a hit and run, so there I ride around in my dented up P.O.S. with the license plates reading \"Bruise\"....I never received so many strange looks... zam      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Englands literary skills ruined by text messaging. APOCOLYPSE IS UPON US!!!!! Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I\'ve always wanted to know someone named \"Bruise\". Mainly because no one would ever try to beat up a guy who knows a guy named \"Bruise\". Bruise      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Wow...That\'s all I have to say...

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