Mehhhhh! The government! It's the government! Mehhhhh!

My mom is probably wondering what happened to the box of aluminum foil that's missing from her house. Luckily, I have my own spaghetti strainer, so I didn't need to steal hers.

You see, reader, you've caught me at a weird time today. I'm in the middle of making my very own tin foil hat. Actually, as I stated earlier, it's an aluminum foil hat, but I'm going to call it a tin foil hat so the other crazy guys with tin foil hats won't think I'm a poser.

Perhaps I should explain.

My taxes are done, and I owe $31 this year. Last year, I worked three to four months less, contributed less to my IRA, and got a refund of $400. Granted, I made a little more this year, but I claimed the same number of allowances. That's proof enough for me that George W. Bush's "tax cuts for everybody" are a big load of crap. And since I'll probably never fully understand why I'm getting screwed more by the government for working harder and saving more responsibly for my retirement, I've decided to become a vague conspiracy theorist.

Wait, reader! Hear me out! I didn't say a conspiracy theorist, I said a vague conspiracy theorist. They're not the boring weirdos who give long explanations about all the secret things the government is doing. No, the vague conspiracy theorists are the fun people who are completely crazy, and offer no details or explanations when making their conspiracy claims. They're the people who sit in door stoops with tin foil hats on, drinking whiskey and shouting "Mehhhhh! The government! It's the government! Mehhhhh!"

I suppose I am a bit of a poser. I don't really believe the government is a conspiracy. I'm more of the thinking that the government openly screws people over as much as possible, and doesn't keep it a secret at all. But man, oh man, there's just something oddly appealing about blinking oddly, getting a surprised look on your face, and then screaming "It's the government!" at the top of your lungs in a crowded subway car.

Of course, we don't have a subway system in La Crosse, WI. We also don't have very many good door stoops. So I'll just have to sit by the side of major roadways holding a sign that reads, "How do all those green walnuts get in my yard every year? It's the government!"

You may be wondering what made me go crazy. Well, it's not just the fact that the government is taking my money. It's also the fact that the government has made it even more difficult to file your taxes online this year. Last year, I logged onto the IRS' website, clicked on the "efile" icon, and filled out a form that looked very similar to a regular 1040 tax form. The process was quick and easy.

This year, you click on the "efile" icon and get a list of a bunch of online tax companies that can help you prepare and submit your taxes. Some of them are free, while others charge outrageous prices. This confused me greatly, as my taxes were already prepared, and I just wanted to submit them. However, just submitting your taxes is not an option. After an hour of messing around, I just picked one of the free companies and went on. The free tax preparing system was a pain in the ass, and extremely confusing. So instead of spending 15 minutes submitting my taxes, like last year, it took me a few hours.

I should probably have seen this coming, since taxes in general are confusing and poorly designed. When our forefathers designed the tax system, I imagine they sat around and said, "I'll bet no one in the future will give us proper credit for our accomplishments. Learning about us will probably be the most boring subject in school. Let's screw with everybody by designing a tax system that's as difficult as a drunk woman trying to pee in a urinal while standing up."

Yeah yeah, I know. They didn't have urinals back then. I'm sure people still went to the bathroom against trees and fences, though, so drunk women still had reason to try and pee while standing up. So just lighten up, laugh at the analogy, and stop being such a Thomas Jefferson humper.

As for me, I'm going to continue adding to my tin foil hat until it's a tin foil afro. Then I'm going to go find chicks that like shiny things. Oh, and in case any of you were wondering while doing your own taxes, no, you can't claim me as a dependent just because you signed up for Daily Ramblings Express.

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tib4@hotmail.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   aaronjbrown@yahoo.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm

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