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Obligatory hackneyed column about the DMV Paul Ryan Rule number one in comedy: when you renew your driver's license at the DMV, you have to do material on the experience. The jokes and rants about long lines and cranky employees are always dull and cliched, but you have to use them anyway, because, well, they're really easy. It's not even a tradition, it's just common sense. If you want to get done with your comedy work early so you can go get wasted, you have to take the path of least resistance. People use this same tactic every day at work and in school. Want more time to get wasted? Do a half-assed job on your homework and go drink. Mark my words, reader, for this quote is an important one to remember: if you work hard at work, you'll be tired but satisfied; but if you work hard at finding the easy way out, you'll be too drunk to care if you're satisfied. It's the truth. Getting drunk is also more memorable than working hard. Which are you going to remember more? Lying around at home watching reruns of "Frasier" because you're exhausted, or vomiting up an entire night's worth of cheap beer you fished out of the $1 mystery beer bucket at the local dive bar? Okay, so you might not remember much of anything when you go get drunk, but you'll still know you had more fun, even if you don't remember it. Anyway, DMV comedy is easy, not just because it's all been done before, but also because it works well with the personality of most comedians. Funny people seem fun because they make others laugh, but most of us are full of rage, bitterness, and pure hate. So when we find something to bitch about, that's when the writing comes quickest. The DMV is easy because it's guaranteed to be a frustrating experience. For instance, I could open my DMV column by saying I waited 45 minutes just to have an unflattering $18 picture taken, and to prove to someone who doesn't speak English that I can read letters off an eye chart. Would the lady at the DMV counter, who produced sentences like "You fill out form" and "Come for picture taken now please", be able to read the simple eye chart? I doubt it. See that? Comedic gold. If I feel I'm in need of more material than just basic observations, I can create some myself. For instance, to ensure I had something to write about, I made a face like this when I sat for my driver's license photo:
Just as I was hoping, the lady told me I wasn't allowed to make silly faces for my license picture. Since I was denied my inalienable right to look like a smiley douchebag on my license, I knew I'd be able to devote at least 1/3 of today's column to that subject. It takes one paragraph to describe the incident, another to piss and moan about the incident, and a third to discuss the irony of not being allowed to purposely have a bad driver's license photo taken. See? The column's all done now, and I can crack open a frosty brew. While the hard workers will be waking up dreading another day of hard work, I'll be waking up with the worst headache of my life. But the difference is, my headache will go away before the afternoon comes.
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I went to see Phantom Planet in concert Sunday night, and The Thrills were opening for them. They sound a little like The Honeydogs, but with a harmonica thrown in every so often.
