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Call me P-bomb Paul Ryan Hey man, I may be 24 years old, coming up on 25 in a few weeks, but that doesn't mean I'm not young and hip. Just because MTV will officially start ignoring me in a few weeks doesn't mean I'm not still down with the latest hip trends. To prove I'm as hip as I ever was, I'm going to give myself a cool nickname. So from now on, call me P-bomb. Remember I said this nickname would make me "as hip as I ever was", not "hip as everyone else sees it". Since I've never really been hip, this lame-ass nickname is sure to make me just as hip as I was in college and high school. So if I know how lame a nickname like "P-bomb" is, why am I assigning it to myself? There's several reasons. Firstly, I'm a man who enjoys comedy, and I can't think of anything more comedic than the nickname "P-bomb". Just look at how funny and awesome it sounds when used in these example phrases:
"Heeeey, P-bomb! Can I borrow yo Hoobastank album, yo?" "P-bomb! Peeeeeeee-booommmmmbbbbb!" "Shiiiiiiiiiit, P-bomb, what be up with dat stank comin' from yo ass?" "Yo P-bomb gonna put his willy in that girly, yo!" "P-bomb had mad forties tonight, yo. He be pukin' all over himself in da bafroom."
See how awesome the nickname is when you see it used in real life situations? I'm telling you, people will love saying the name. Even if I got shot in the face with a .44 Magnum, the mention of "P-bomb" getting killed would still make the event comical, even for close friends and family. When "Paul" dies from a bullet wound to the face, it's a sad moment. When "P-bomb" dies from a bullet wound to the face, hilarity ensues. Secondly, even though the nickname is silly, I feel it has the potential to become cool and respected over time. Think of some of the other cool nicknames throughout history. Not all of them started out cool. When baseball player Ernie Lombardi was nicknamed "Schnozz", it was probably comical at first. When Bill Robinson was nicknamed "Mr. Bo Jangles", do you think that was cool at first? Not likely. When William Bonney was nicknamed "Billy the Kid", was that cooler at first? Well, probably. I mean, "Bonney" is a pretty sissy-sounding name. But the rest of the examples prove my point. P-bomb will be a respected household name in a few years. I even took the time to create an angry-looking advertisement for my new thug self, which I plan to run in the New York Times for an entire week as a full-page ad.
 Of course, that's only if the New York Times charges $14 or less for a full-page ad. I may have to skip the Sunday edition to keep the price within my budget. But overall, I expect my main cred to come from the street, and that's where you come in, reader. I'd appreciate it if you'd refer to me as "P-bomb" from now on. If you want, you can even mention it to other people, saying the nickname in a fearful, frightened way, to show people I'm a thug. You don't have to mention that I'm a thug who doesn't know how to shoot a gun, has never been arrested, and only says curse words when his dad isn't around. You also don't have to mention that I spend most of my time sitting in my apartment drinking Diet Coke and playing on my computer. I hate to be boastful, but I think I'm going to be the greatest thug since that dead midget, Joe C. I'm already one step ahead of him, because my nickname is cooler.
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