Earth Day is stupid, and eco-tards smell like farts

Yesterday was Earth Day, and I completely forgot. It was a prime opportunity to throw non-biodegradable styrofoam out my car window along scenic highways, or to release CFC's into the air via old-style spray deodorant cans, or to feed cows baked beans so they release more ozone-damaging flatulence. But I missed it, and now I'm sad.

Think of the lost opportunities! I could have saved up a month's worth of feces and tossed it on Gary Coleman, claiming I was covering him in "fertilizer" to "help him grow bigger". I could have planted marijuana plants in the mayor's yard. I could have chopped Ralph Nader in half and counted the number of rings inside him to determine his true age.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Earth and all, but I love the joy of watching people get angry even better. I think Earth Day is great, but by coincidence, people with deep worries about the environment tend to be the easiest to piss off, and really, that's what I'm shooting for here. Honestly, if I had written a column yesterday titled, "Earth Day is stupid, and eco-tards smell like farts", I would have received enough angry letters to provide kindling for an arson attempt at a Hummer dealership.

So I don't know what to think about missing Earth Day. I'm a diehard liberal who supports almost every environmental law out there, but I'm also a humor columnist, and tree humpers are hilarious when they're angry. What's a man to do?

I probably would have chosen to piss off the tree folk for the laughs. In fact, I was going to do it today, but to add to my troubles, the wood hippies have proven difficult to ridicule lately. I searched long and hard (insert penis joke here) for a news story about people blowing (insert blowjob joke here) up a Hummer (insert blowjob joke here) or SUV dealership, or one of those "the Earth is our friend, meat eaters must die" hairy armpit parades, but I found nothing. The hippies have disappeared, and my laughs have disappeared with them.

All I found on Google News was one boring article about recycling telephones, and another article on President Bush bragging about all the "anti-pollution policies" he's passed (insert reminders here about the Kyoto Treaty, increased mercury pollution, his sketchy secretive energy policy that's increased energy consumption, and his dismal public approval rating on environmental issues) and his "goal" to preserve 3 million acres of wetlands (insert reminder here that earlier he redefined the meaning of "wetlands", making half of them unprotected).

To hell with it. I'm going to title this column, "Earth Day is stupid, and eco-tards smell like farts" anyway. It'll still bring in the angry people searching on Google. Nobody reads anything besides the headlines anyway.

I'm going to see Something Corporate in concert Saturday night, so to hell with this mixed drink crap. DRINK GUINNESS. It's just that simple, folks. It's not only good, it's also good for you and has the same carbs and alcohol content as a light beer. Ingredients: Directions: Open the can, pour it into a glass, and enjoy. Drink archives

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