Eli Manning is a little bitch

Wait, wait! Okay, listen to this. Listen to me. Try to guess who I am. "Ooooh, I'm a pampered little bitch who's so spoiled that I want to choose what team I play for, instead of just being drafted. Ooooh, a privileged life and enough money in one year to last me for the rest of my life isn't enough. I need to be treated like a friggin' princess before I become an overpaid assclown." Give up? I'm Eli Manning! He's such a little bitch!

Oh, hello reader. I was pretending to be Eli Manning, the quarterback taken with the first pick in Saturday's NFL draft. In case you haven't heard, Eli was chosen by the San Diego Chargers, but he didn't want to play for them because they're a losing team, so the Chargers had to trade him. In the days before the draft, Eli threw a hissy fit and whined about how the Chargers shouldn't pick him, because he wouldn't play for them.

The Minneapolis Star Tribune had a great picture of Eli in Sunday's paper, taken after he was selected by the Chargers. He was frowning like a little crybaby. After he was drafted, he just stood up there and scowled, and refused to even put on the Chargers hat. The entire crowd at the draft booed him. If I were there, I would have thrown my beer at his head. And that's saying a lot, considering how much I cherish beer.

Anyway, to put it plainly, Eli Manning is a douchebag. If he were any more of a douchebag, he'd crap used tampons out his ass. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he does.

But the real question is, can we really blame him for being such a prick? Let's look at his life so far. His father is Archie Manning, a legendary former NFL quarterback. His older brother is Peyton Manning, a current superstar NFL quarterback. Eli is less talented than his brother, and a lot lazier, but was picked first anyway because he comes from the Manning family.

Judging by the millions of dollars made by Eli's father and brother, and the massive amount of fame the family has, I doubt Eli's gone without being pampered heavily his whole life, both on and off the field. Eli's sugar coating clearly came out during his NFL draft temper tantrum, but it's come out before. Eli was so full of himself in high school, he once couldn't even remember the name of the team he was playing that night. So much for working hard and studying your opponent.

Eli was pampered even more after high school. When he showed up at the University of Mississippi (his father's alma mater), banners that read, "Eli is coming" were hung at the school, despite the fact that Eli hadn't even thrown a pass for the team yet. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that school administrators held his dick every time he peed.

Perhaps this is why Eli is such a little bitch. Perhaps I should refer to Eli as "PMS" for the rest of this column, to show what a little bitch he is.

Nah. The column's almost over. Plus, I've already humiliated him enough, and wouldn't want to cause more harm than necessary.

I can understand somewhat how PMS became so bratty, but I still can't understand why he cared what team he played for. Last time I checked, San Diego was warm all year, located near the ocean, and had every amenity a person could ever want. I could see PMS being upset if Cleveland, Cincinatti, or Tennessee picked him, but San Diego? Cripes. It's like if I won a million dollars in the lottery, and got upset about not getting it in cash.

But hey, at least PMS will fit in well with most other New Yorkers. A bunch of bitchy assholes who are full of themselves. I'll leave you with this fun photo of PMS, getting his ass sacked. I imagine you'll be seeing a lot more of it when he starts playing for the New York Giants.

What the hell is that?  Find out! More from last week: · Fun with Kirby Puckett posters · The crazy KKK lady · Broadcaster: "What a f**king lazy big n*****" · Much, much more · Join now

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