Can somebody please shut that cat the hell up?

It won't stop. It's been going on for hours. It's driving me crazy. For the past two hours, I've heard nothing but "Meooooow. Meooooow. Meoooow!!!" I've walked up and down the hall of my apartment building, but it's difficult to decipher exactly which apartment it's coming from.

But I swear to God, if somebody doesn't shut that cat the hell up, I'm going to slip little squares of cardboard with rat poison on them underneath every apartment door in this building. Then everyone's cat will be dead, and there will be a big pile of dead cats in the dumpster tomorrow morning after people throw them out, and the garbage collector will freak out because there will be dozens of creepy little cat eyes staring up at him from the dumpster, and he won't pick up the garbage, and when the next heat wave hits the entire block will smell like dead rotting cats.

Seriously though, I think someone's raping their cat. This isn't even funny. The goddamn thing won't shut up. How am I going to sleep tonight with that furry little piece of crap meowing every two seconds? It never stops. Doesn't it get tired of meowing? Doesn't its voice get hoarse after a while? Is this some Super Pussy^TM that never tires? Eh, probably not. It sounds more like someone's sticking something up its pooper.

Either that, or one of the old ladies on my floor died and fell on her cat. Actually, I doubt that's true. The cat would probably wouldn't be meowing then, because it'd be too busy eating the dead old lady's face.

That's why I like dogs. They won't eat your face when you're dead, they'll just whine a lot and poop in the closet every few days. Dogs always poop in the closet when you don't let them outside, because if it's in the closet they know you won't find it for days. Dogs are freakin' awesome.

But let's get back to talking about The Cat That Won't Shut The Hell Up^TM. It's still meowing, and if I knew how to pick locks, that damn cat would be in a burlap sack right now, and I'd be driving with it towards the bridge that goes over the Mississippi River.

Hold on! Update: I went into the hallway, because the meowing was loud again, and I saw the cat. The meowing was coming from a door down the hall, and when I listened near the door, the kitty slid its little paws under the door like it was trying to open the door from the inside or something. Since it was just a kitty, I put away the poison and decided to slide food under the door.

But what do kitties eat? I didn't have any cat food, so I slid a Ritz cracker under the door. The kitty mistook my generosity for an attack, and tried to claw me. Stupid goddamn cat. I tried pushing a few little bits of american cheese under the door, but the dumb cat didn't eat that, either. A dog totally would have eaten both of those.

I took some pictures of my adventures with the cat:

Here's the cat scouting me out from underneath the door, plotting to kill me when I got near enough.

Here's the cat after I taunted it for ten minutes by making meowing sounds.

Here's the cat after I slid the Ritz cracker under the door. The cat got pissed, and tried to kill me for many minutes after the Ritz cracker incident. It also did not return the cracker to me, which is just plain rude.

After the cat refused the cheese (who can refuse cheese? It's delicious! Stupid freakin' cat), I gave up and went back to my apartment. When I sat down and started writing this column, a thought came to my mind. What will the cat's owners think when they come back and find a Ritz cracker and cheese under their door?

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Reader Comments

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yo      Mar 30, 2008 • 8:02pm   I almost peed myself that was so funny. canadian cat man      Mar 29, 2008 • 9:07am   kitty was only clawing at you because it was playing. It doesn't know whats on the otherside of the door other than it can see it and wants to play with it, so it'll grab it and yank it under the door. You already rewarded its first attempt with a cracker and then came back with cheese for the bonus round. Best kitty toy in the whole world you can slide under that door that will keep that cat busy and shut up for hours....is believe it or not...a Q-tip. Dunno why, but cats go apeshit for qtips. Mine annoys me, i toss him one....and presto. Cheapest cat toy in the world. heather      Sep 13, 2007 • 5:18am   ur an idiot. enough said. catmandoo      Jul 29, 2007 • 6:13am   The cat needs a better home!!! So call animal control. Obviously it is lonely, maybe it is starving-lots of really stupid people actually go on holidays and leave their pet with little or no food- thinking they can entertain themselves. Contrary to what most people think...Pets need attention. They like to play and don't like to be alone all day (which is probably why he/she is putting their paw under the door. It wants to play. Cats don't eat ritz crackers. Cheese has to be broken in small bits. Cats like chicken and tuna. Bruise obviously shouldn't have a pet. I don't find the humor in torturing a cat for something that is out of their control. You can't blame the cat ....my opinion ...the rat poison needs to be given to the owner. Simonne      Jul 13, 2007 • 6:35am   I found your article when I was searching for a method to shut down my cat: she is in heats and I'm going crazy because of all those meows! Held Hostage by Sir Meows-A-Lot      May 31, 2007 • 3:09am   Now imagine "kitty" living inside your apartment you being made sworn protector of it by your best friend when they moved. Awsome post though. I too found your article by trying to find a way to shut my cat the hell up. Lawrence      Mar 27, 2007 • 12:28am   What kind of crappy city do you live in where the fire codes are so lax as to allow such great gaps under apartment doors? In most locations in the First World, apartment doors must be fire-rated, thus preventing a fire started in an apartment from migrating to common areas (ie. hallways) or other suites. Seriously, if the cat can put its paw through to the hallway, this gap is so big that your apartment must be in Quebec or Afghanistan. I suggest you move... soon. Jesus Hambone Christ      Aug 23, 2006 • 12:54pm   I don't know you, and your writing style isn't particularly funny, but me on a motorcycle... I was laughing so hard I was in tears by the end of this post. The only reason I even found it was because I was trying to learn how to make my cat stop mowing for me co-dependently. Rob      Aug 7, 2006 • 10:49pm   If the cat stopped meowing when you came to the door and gave it attention, I would suggest speaking to the owner. If however the cat continued meowing with your attention, I would inform animal control. Shampy      Mar 3, 2006 • 6:03am   it could also be a female cat in heat. but aside from that.. you could do several things to resolve this. like putting a note on the door for the owners or calling animal control. tell them you suspect animal cruelty because the cat keeps meowing. heh have fun

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