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Is John Kerry a douche bag? An unbiased scientific analysis

original print date, April 28 2004

                  Paul Ryan

Many of you have probably viewed the website www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com, and wondered the same thing Wonkette did yesterday. Precisely how similar to a douche bag is John Kerry? If someone were to do an actual study, would the results show Kerry as having any qualities similar to a douche bag? Does Kerry look, sound, or smell like a douche bag? What the hell does a douche bag smell like anyway, and how would an educated but non-douching individual like Paul Ryan know what one smells like?

After thoroughly researching the subject on the Internet, I have come up with an answer: it smells like vinegar.

Oh, you wanted an answer on whether John Kerry is a douche bag. My fault. To tell you the truth, I found a slight problem while researching John Kerry and douche bags. The word "douche" is used in two fashions: as something women do to . . . um, yeah, and as a form of enema. The word means the same thing in both cases, but obviously, the latter procedure is the only one that uses an actual bag.

But not everyone knows that. If you waste an entire productive day at work researching douches on the Internet, like I often do, you'll find that many people think "douche bag" refers to a tool for lady freshness. I don't want to abandon the beliefs of half the people on the Internet, so what can I do? In order for this study to be accurate, controlled variables are essential, but if I ignore all the people on the Internet who have stupid and misguided beliefs, that only leaves like, three people.

The answer is simple. I will compare John Kerry to both a lady douche and a pooper douche. And just for fun, I'm also going to compare Kerry to "Lurch" from the Addams Family, and a $5 gift certificate for Long John Silver's restaurants.

This should be interesting. Let's get started.

John Kerry
Pooper Douche
Lady Douche
Shape Round on top, pointy on bottom (face). Round on top, pointy on bottom. Dunno, too scared to open the box. Round on top, pointy on bottom. Square and unappealing, like the food.
Sound Monotone, creaky. Whoopie cushion The light sounds of a warm summer evening. Monotone, creaky Like a pirate. Arrrrrgh!
Smell Ben-Gay, Old Spice, codfish. Poop. Vinegar, poon. Vinegar, poon. Codfish.
Taste Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.
Feel Like a tree. Like a bag of shit. Like the aftermath of a not so fresh moment. Spooky, kooky, and all together ooky. Greasy.

Conclusion: Kerry's head may be shaped like a douche bag, but that's the only thing the two have in common. He is, however, very similar to Lurch. Would Lurch make a good president? I'm not sure, but Lurch's mildly breezy hairstyle is definitely back in style. By my calculations, that means this is Lurch's year.

Or Ross Perot's year. If not Kerry, then it's definitely Ross Perot's year. I'm tellin' you, that guy is so due for a win.

Yellowcard is fairly well known, but they're not quite mainstream yet. But if they aren't already, they'll soon be rockin' on MTV, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Even MTV gets things right once in a long while.

"Way Away" by Yellowcard

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