The bachelor knows best

I've been a bachelor for quite some time, and over the years I've developed ingenious, handy tips that married folk couldn't even begin to think of on their own. The main thing keeping married people from accepting these tips as the right way to live is, frankly, their significant other. You see, reader, many significant others have no respect for "outside the box" bachelor and bachelorette thinking, even when it's scientifically and morally correct.

If your significant other has always been taught that "washing" clothes involves cleaning the clothes, they'll never change their mind, despite the findings of science and God himself. Luckily, there are single people like myself here to show married folk exactly how things should be done.

Bachelor genius - Laundry: Let's say you're a little short on cash, but the laundry is piling up. You need something to wear at work tomorrow that smells washed, but you don't have enough money to use a washer and a dryer. The genius bachelor solution is to just use the dryer. Put two sheets of fabric softener in the dryer instead of one, and pile all your clothes in. They'll smell clean and fresh, as if you had actually washed them. It's genius!

Bachelor genius - Ironing: As a genius, your first objective should be to buy clothing that never requires ironing. But we all have a few shirts that require it, and it's never a pleasant experience. The genius bachelor solution is to only iron the part of the shirt that will show. Half of a work shirt is usually tucked into your pants, so why iron the bottom of the shirt? Just iron the upper parts of the shirt people will actually see. It's genius!

Bachelor genius - Car Washing: Have you noticed how expensive car washes are lately? Even the crappy ones at the gas station cost $5 with a gas purchase. But why spend the money when you can use the free tools provided by the gas station? The genius bachelor solution is to take the windshield washer squeegee and use it on your entire car. This is not a joke. It's a very smart and ingenious strategy. Don't worry about what others think. Just take the little squeegee thing and use it to wash your entire car. You'll probably do a better job getting the bird poop off than the car wash would have. It's genius!

Bachelor genius - Bathroom cleaning: Why would you want to clean your bathroom? It's a place where people go to release feces. It's not meant to be clean. Cleaning your bathroom is the equivalent of going to the dump and sweeping with a broom: someone's just going to drop another load tomorrow, so why bother?

P.S. If you name is "Malone", you must always refer to your bathroom as "Malone's throne". If your wife refuses, divorce her. Thank you for your cooperation.

Bachelor genius - Garbage removal: If you live in a house and pay for garbage removal, cancel that service. Then make two separate garbages, one for things that have your name on them, and one for everything else. For the things with your name on them, just burn them in your fireplace or a container in your backyard. For the regular garbage, first find out which of your neighbors has a dog. When the garbage gets too full, wait until your neighbors with the dog go to sleep, rip a huge hole in the bag, and chuck it on their lawn. They'll think the dog stole someone's garbage and chewed it up. Even if they get suspicious, there's nothing in there with your name on it, so they'll never prove it's yours. It's genius!

Bachelor genius - Birthdays and anniversaries: Okay, so this is an area where single people aren't too skilled, but that doesn't mean our genius can't still reach into the area. Whenever your loved one has a birthday, or the two of you have an anniversary, tell them you have to go on a business trip. When the birthday or anniversary comes, call them, and make a big deal about how exhausted you are. They'll think of the phone call as their gift, and you'll never have to spend money on an actual gift. Your loved one may be bitter about you not being around, but since it's "your boss' fault", they can't blame you. It's genius!

I hope you have found these tips useful. If your loved one doesn't agree with them, then obviously they are stuck-up and dumb. Perhaps you should think about dating their more liberal-minded sister or brother instead. In fact, I should make that into another tip. Why? Because it's genius!

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Dave      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Got another good one: Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Oh, don\'t worry. If you have a bike, you can totally clean it the same way. Laura      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Unfortunately, that was very dumb of me. The alternative to your car-cleaning strategy is to be super-cool like me and totally purposefully not own a car. That\'s the way the real pimps play it. Laura      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Wow...the \"Add a Comment\" told me to be the first to comment on this column. So I have. Er...\"nice column!\"

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