That "Friends" show is done? Sweet

I didn't watch the last episode of friends. You know what I did? I went to a choir concert for seventh-graders, and took photos for The Newspaper^TM - which employs me. Yes, you heard me.

I could have dumped the assignment off on one of our interns, but I didn't. I sat with a crowd of annoying parents and watched as their untalented children screeched like howler monkeys in an attempt to sing. I endured this horror because I knew it would be better than watching the sappy, bullcrap episode of friends.

Does whats-her-face go to Paris? Who the hell cares? Does Phoebe shut the hell up and stop acting annoying? Probably not. Does Chandler get a clue and buy some "Just For Men" for his gray hair? Beats me. Does Monica take over the role as most annoying character after Phoebe gets hit by a bus and dies? Yes. Does Joey commit suicide after realizing he'll never get another role in show business? Nobody cares. Does Ross get AIDS from humping his pet monkey? It doesn't matter.

I didn't want to watch the bullshit last show, and I definitely didn't want to watch the "reunion". How the hell can they have a reunion when they've been together for the last 10 years? Aren't you supposed to wait a few years first? Hell, my high school didn't even have a graduation after five years, because we all hated each other so much. If I were on "Friends", I wouldn't want to spend another minute with those bastards.

Here's some things I'd rather do than watch the last episode of "Friends":

· Vomit slightly and then have to swallow it.
· Have sex with Star Jones.
· Fart in a jar and strap it to my face.
· Listen to country music.
· Hang out with people who listen to country music.
· Eat anything besides ice cream at Dairy Queen.
· Read my own God-awful columns.
· Have sex while my parents watch and rate me on my technique.
· Drink Vanilla Pepsi.
· Endure high school again.
· Get gang-raped by Vern Troyer, Gary Coleman, and Emanuel Lewis. Simultaneously.
· Shaving Robin Williams' ass.
· Smearing peanut butter all over myself and laying in a ditch for three days.
· Going to the VFW and giving a speech entitled, "The Korean War never happened".
· Working on the set of "Mr. Ed" as the guy who shoves the carrot up the horse's ass to make it look like he's talking.
· Finish today's column in an illogical manner.

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Reader Comments

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8berse6      Mar 2, 2006 • 6:20pm   Vanilla Pepsi isn't so bad joshua dudley      May 7, 2004 • 6:10pm   truly brilliant insight into the world of friends. i think ill bookmark this page for all of my friends needs from now on. martin      May 7, 2004 • 5:45pm   you could have watched survivior!! Jojo      May 7, 2004 • 4:54pm   Ah-ha! I have found a typo in Paul's work! He wrote his high school never had a graduation, instead of a reunion. Proof-read your shit "journalist". This guys a big phoney! A big fat phoney!

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