I Almost Bought A Satchel

My friend Aaron will enjoy this story. Aaron J. Brown is a friend whom I worked with at my college newspaper, and who now works as a big-shot editor at a daily newspaper.

I suspect that the large power trip so early in his life will soon send him spiraling into a classic “Citizen Kane” syndrome, but that’s just my personal opinion.

“The people will think what I want them to think!”.

But I’m getting off-topic.

During college, Aaron would always carry his things in a satchel, instead of a backpack. We would often make fun of him for this.

“Hey Aaron, nice satchel! Is that your satchel, or did you beat up a Brit on the way to school? Yoo-hoo! Hey sissy boy, we don’t allow you fancy kids with your satchels around these parts! Let’s give him a fierce drubbing, fellas!”

And so on, and so on.

Anyway, now that I’m out of college, I find myself more and more reluctant to use my backpack, for fear that girls my age will forever view me as a sixteen year-old. Believe it or not, this is a growing problem.

Most girls who see me in plain clothes already think I’m a college freshman, and with my backpack, it only gets worse. If not for the dress clothes I wear to work, a truancy officer might very well scoop me up in his butterfly net (or whatever truancy officers use) and drag me back to the local high school.

So I’ve been trying to find a computer bag that looks somewhat decent and doesn’t scratch up my laptop, like my backpack does.

I was buying printer paper the other day, and I started looking at carrying bags for computers. I found them to be a bit expensive, and decided to look at some of the travel bags instead. Just when I found what I thought was a nice-looking one that was designed to hold a computer as well, a young salesman stopped to help me.

“Anything I can do to help?”

I asked him if he thought the bag was a good one.

“Yes, it’s a good brand. I’d recommend it.”

I thanked him and said that I thought I would purchase it.

This is what he said in response, and it’s a direct quote:

“Yes, that certainly is a very nice satchel.”

I almost punched him in the back of the neck as he walked away. A satchel? Paul Ryan looks at no satchels!

A freaking satchel? Surely I hadn’t been looking at a satchel, had I? Isn’t a satchel what the foofoo kids at Harvard carry around? Isn’t a satchel what children of the late-1800s carried their books with?

No, wait. That wasn’t a bag. That was just a leather strap that fastened around the books like a belt, wasn’t it? What were those things called? Anybody read “Huckleberry Finn” lately? Anyone? Any person at all?

Oh to hell with you people, you have no culture.

Either way, I need your help, readers. I need you to write in with your opinions on what does or doesn’t make something a satchel. What is your idea of a satchel? And don’t just send in some dictionary definition. I need an honest opinion.

In fact, to keep you people from sending in stuff you regurgitated from a glossary, I’m printing the dictionary definition for satchel here: “A small bag for carrying clothes, books, etc.” There, now you’re not allowed to use that.

By the way, yes, I’m now quoting the dictionary in my columns. Are you people happy?

So your thoughts and opinions, please. Am I a sissy schoolmarm’s pet named Pappy or a hip and trendy swinger? I’m almost afraid to see the responses I get from this. Oh well, it’s my own fault. See you tomorrow.