This just in: Avril Lavigne is fugly as all hell

		Hello, I'm Peter Jennings, reporting live from ABC Studios, where I'm giving myself an HJ under the desk. Pop star Avril Lavigne has always been a sought-after hottie, first with the pedophiles who thought she was 14, and then with the rest of the world after we learned the petite star is actually 19 years old.
		Magazines and television stations have presented Lavigne as quite humpable. The pop star is clearly not "boobalicious", she is still known around the country as the girl you "wouldn't toss out of bed until you were done with her." But recently released photos are telling a different story.
		The photos, taken from Lavigne's live acoustic performance at the KISS 108 radio station in Boston, show the singer to be butt-ass fugly. From the looks of the photos, it appears Lavigne is not wearing makeup, and came to the radio station directly from a four day bukkake session.
		On closer look, Lavigne's nose looks like Robert Downey Jr's after an all-night cocaine binge, and her eyes look like those of a welfare mother standing in line at the local women's resource center, waiting to file charges against "Lyle", her drunken and abusive husband.
		Ugly photos of Lavigne have been released before, but they were school photos, and were generally taken with a grain of salt. Lavigne's ugliness in the school photos was blamed on the fact that she was young, and much more Canadian than she is now.
		Still, more photos surfaced, not only showing Lavigne to be previously ugly, but also showing her to be even more of a sellout than even her most vocal critics expected. In this dreadfully boring, yet scandalous, photo, Lavigne shows off an autographed Shania Twain photo while wearing a horrendous gray outfit, which is a style of clothing many Canadians refer to as "Look at me, pretendin' to be all dressered up" clothes.
		Tonight, the question on the minds of most lonely men who have no lives is "Just how Canadian is Lavigne?" It is not known whether Lavigne's family purchased milk in jugs, like Americans, or milk in a bag, like lousy Canadian scum. Supporters are claiming the Lavignes bought milk in a bag, and that her backwards Canadian roots are once again to blame for her previous and current bad musical taste and fashion atrocities.
		While I've never given comment on news items before, I feel this story is worth breaking the ethics code over. To put it plain and simple, despite the unpleasant photos of Lavigne that were released, I, Peter Jennings, would still hit it. I'd hit it like Ike hit Tina, or like Bobby Brown hit Whitney Houston. I'd hit it like a sausage hits and squeezes into the middle of lusciously tan and sticky pancakes at an IHOP. Oh God baby, would I ever hit it.