Blockbuster Is Listening . . . Right . . . Now

Ssshhh. We can’t talk here. Everything is tapped. They’ll . . . hear us. Just wait for a second.

There. Now we can talk.

I think Blockbuster Video has the phones tapped and the apartment bugged. I returned a video today and it’s a day late. Do you think the search for me is beginning yet? Well let me tell you something, my friend:

It has already begun.

Blockbuster is the most anal business I’ve ever dealt with in my entire life. When you return something late at other video stores, they leave you alone. If you wait long enough, they probably will even erase it from your record the next time you come in.

But not Blockbuster.

First, Blockbuster will send you notices in the mail. Then they turn it over to their Blockbuster Thugs, who come looking for you. Other video stores just threaten to call the police.

But not Blockbuster.

If you’re a repeat offender, they’ll automatically send the Blockbuster Thugs after you. Next thing you know, they’re towing away your car in exchange for the copy of “Gulliver’s Travels” (starring Ted Danson) that you turned in two days late.

What? No, that was a hypothetical situation. It was just an exaggerated example. I wouldn’t rent “Gulliver’s Travels”. Christ, what do you take me for?

I’ll bet those stupid Blockbuster Thugswatch “Gulliver’s Travels”.

What’s that? Did you hear something? I thought I heard something.

Anyway, I hid my car in my parent’s garage in Minneapolis. It should be safe there.

Don’t answer it! It’s a trick!

It’s a box. I wonder what’s in this box? Wait, the package is labeled “Dorf on Golf”. It must be the “Dorf on Golf” tape I ordered.

Aaahhhhhhhh! It’s a head! It’s my grandmother’s mutilated head stuffed in a box! Aaahhhhhhhh! Quit looking at me, grandma!

What’s this? It’s a note. It says, “You owe $4.47 for overdue copy of “Risky Business”. Oh, God. It’s from the Blockbuster Thugs. They’re going to kill me.


How would YOU end this column? Paul is selling out, and giving YOU the chance to write the end to this column. He’s also capitalizing the word YOU so that YOU will be overstimulated and have a SEIZURE. SEIZURE! Seizure.

Send your entries using this form, with the subject line “finish the damn story”. The winner will receive a free night of drinking in La Crosse, Wis. For Christ’s sake, just pretend you’d like it.

Oh, to hell with all of you. I’ll finish the damn column myself.


Damn you Blockbuster Thugs! Blockbuster Thugs, damn thee! I damn thyselves to damnation, damn Thugs of Blockbuster-like Properties!

WORST. COLUMN. EVER.