Daily Ramblings exclusive: Farewell note from Reagan found

Daily Ramblings - using its close ties with Nancy Reagan, whom Paul's father had coitus with weekly from 1989 to 1997 - has been given exclusive publishing rights to Ronald Reagan's farewell note, written minutes before his death Saturday. We present it to you here, in full, with no editing.

Hello America, my name is, uh, Ronald Reagan. You might remember me from politics, films, and other events during my long, productive life. While my bout with Alzheimer's disease doesn't allow me to, uh, remember much, remembering to die isn't quite so dependent on, uh, awareness. Much like pooping, death comes naturally, whether we "remember" it or not. The real question is whether we remember to pull down our pants beforehand. So this letter is my proverbial "removal of pants" for my death, which is bound to come sooner or later.

What the hell was I talking about again? Was I talking about boobs? Here's a pair I like a lot. If I weren't such an old man, I'd . . . wait. Is that my daughter? Oh Jesus, that's embarrassing. Damn my memory. Huh? What? What was I talking about? Ah yes, boobs. Jimmy Carter was a boob. I could have beaten that boob in the election with, uh, well, hold on a sec. I'm feeling light-headed.

Is this my memoir? What year is it? Is it 1988? Has George Bush just, uh, taken my place in the White House? My goodness, what a shitty memoir I've written so far. I need to spice it up a bit with some memories from my life. I'll start with the first memory that comes to mind.

Uh . . . um, give me a minute. I think I remember . . . no, no I don't. Crap.

Well let's just forget the presidential years, and move on to my, uh, life afterward. It was not easy living with this disease. In 1990, I tried giving the local neighborhood children a thrill by playing games with them. We used to play this, uh, game where you'd set up a bunch of cards, then flip two over to try and make a match. I think it was called "Memory".

It wasn't until later that I realized they were making fun of my Alzheimer's affliction. How the hell was I supposed to remember where the, uh, where the cow card was? I swear it was the top left card. That goddamn commie cow just kept moving around. Damn this Alzheimer's! I lost close to $150 to those boys that day.

My bottom hurts. What was I talking about? Who am I writing this letter to? I don't remember needing to write a letter. Was it to Gorbachev? Gorbachev, you commie son of a bitch, I'll . . . damn it, Gorbachev, tell Berlin to take down that goddamn wall!

Oh dear, I think another polyp just formed in my colon. Nancy! Get the pliers!

Where was I? I had a point I was, uh, moving towards a second ago, but I just . . . speaking of that, where am I? Is this my ranch? Was I about to spend some leisure time on the ranch? No, it couldn't have been that. These polyps in my colon make it impossible to ride a horse. I must have been getting ready to sit naked in the bathtub and pee. If I, uh, try to pee through the zipper hole, by the time the flow starts I forget and go in my pants.

Nancy! I'm going to go pee naked in the tub! Write the next paragraph of this memoir for me! Use your red pen, so the people reading it will know it was you.

I can't believe Nancy was using my desk! Who told her it was okay to write on my paper?!? If I wanted her to sit at my desk and write something, I'd tell her to! The nerve of that woman! Let's see what she's, uh, written here. Hmmm. Nancy! Don't tell them about my anus polyps! That's private! I'll have to try to remember to edit this strange letter she's written in my name.

Hey, who are you? Your name's John? John Hinckley Jr? What? Yes, I'm writing down everything I'm saying to you. My, uh, memory isn't so good, and it helps if I write down everything I, uh, say, in case I lose my place. Problem is, I never remember to write most conversations down. Heh heh! That's a little, uh, Alzheimer's humor for you, Say, didn't you shoot me in 1981?

That's all that was included in Reagan's final note. Authorities claim Reagan died of pneumonia complicated by Alzheimer's disease, but this note may bring new theories to life. We here at Daily Ramblings are bound to our honesty and journalistic integrity, and will not voice our opinion on the matter, but others are free to do so.

This column was written in honor of Ronald Reagan, one of the most laughable presidents in recent memory. Oops, didn't mean to say "memory". Sorry. It totally wasn't meant as another Alzheimer's joke.

"He knows less about the budget than any president in my lifetime. He can't even carry on a conversation about the budget. It's an absolute and utter disgrace."
-1981 House speaker Tip O'Neill, talking about Reagan

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Monty      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   hat gives a true picture of what he actually flt for some people. Christine Xanthia      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I have been reading your work ever since my friend sent me the pretty pony article. I thought this article was very funny, keep it up! Scapegoat      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Damn! They must have moved it already! Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   All I\'m getting is some weird cartoon about Kenya, with dancing lions and tigers.

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