Letters column 33: If dumbasses grew on trees, I'd have a dumbass forest

One of the reasons I continue writing columns for this website is because of you, reader. I enjoy your witty comments and intelligent correspondence, and look forward to it each day. But if there's one thing I look forward to more, it's the insane, ridiculous rants I get from some people. Today's letters column will be filled with such letters.

Instead of explaining in more detail, I think I'll just let the letters speak for themselves. Let's start with the first letter, from Steve in Florida. At first, I thought Steve's e-mail was spam, but believe it or not, he's a real person, and is serious about wanting to partner with this website. Whatever Steve is smoking, I'd like to order a lifetime supply of it.

Hello, would you be interested in exchanging links between our sites? I noticed that your site is the type of quality web-site containing travel related information or services that we would be interested in linking to.

Travel-related information? Like when I go to Summerfest in Milwaukee and take photos of the brick wall view outside my hotel room window? Oh, and by the way, I will be going to Summerfest again this year, and will provide daily updates and more, directly from the scene. But the hotel that had the brick wall view out the window? The second-oldest hotel in Wisconsin? It's closed now. They're gutting it and replacing it with trendy apartments and retail space. Bastards.

Oops, kind of went on a tangent there. How about we just move to our second letter, from Jackie in Ithaca, NY. This is another one of those letters I don't understand. If anyone knows what the hell Jackie is talking about, please let me know.

PLEASE DELETE ALL 48 OF THE BLACK SHEEP LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right away, maam! The government shall never know of that horrid movie starring Chris Farley and David Spade! Let us don our tin foil hats and breathe the sweet air of non-thought-controlled freedom!

Oh, and please turn off your caps lock and remove all 22 unnecessary exclamation points from your sentence. It makes you look like an ass.

Our next letter is from Laura in Texas, who has apparently mistaken me for Dear Abby. Seriously, why the hell would someone ask me something like this? I write a humor column, people. My expertise is in comedy, not junior high school love triangles. Sheesh.

I like this boy in the 6th grade, I am in 7th right. Ok here is the story: he has a gf and spends time with her. My friend is good friends with him and kinda with me too. The weird thing is that he stares at me and follows me places in school, goes out of his way to do certain things. I really like him and I do not know what to do? He might even leave the school next year and if he does I will be sooo lost. I also like this other kid and he is alright. So can you help me?

Yes Laura, I can help you. This boy is in sixth grade, and you're in seventh grade, right? Well, the reason he's staring at you is because you're a pedophile. I'll tell you the same thing the United States court system recently told Michael Jackson: stop staring at sixth-grade boys.

I'm kidding, of course. He's staring at you because he likes you and he's a gigantic pussy. So step up to the plate, go talk to him, and give him head. Then move on to the stereotypical junior high hallway catfight with his girlfriend, with the hair-pulling and the face scratching and the girly whimpering. When the principal asks you what the hell your problem is, tell him you got your advice from some loser with a website who you've never met before. That way, the principal can do what I don't have time to do: smack you upside the head and tell you what a dumbass you are.

Our final letter is from Mechealle in California, who runs a popular Steve Guttenberg website. I have been stealing photos from her website for nearly a year now, for use in Steve Guttenberg Saturdays. She wants to shut down the Gutte Saturdays, but she will fail.

You do not have permission to post the photo of the Steve Guttenberg star map. Delete it from your site. I have been told you also have other photos. These are mine and copywrited, you need to take them off your site. Youll be hearing from a lawyer if the photos arent taken from your site as well as any remarks about the site and the webmasters...

Any remarks about your site's webmasters? You mean if I were to say something like, "MECHEALLE IS A GIGANTIC NAZI DOUCHEBAG", you'd want me to remove it? I'll see what I can do. I wasn't aware that some random person with a cheesy fan site could "copywrite" [sic] random screenshots from "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol", but I guess you learn something new every day.

But really, Mechealle, if you love the Guttenberg, you should share the Guttenberg. The wonder that is Steve Guttenberg should not be contained in one tiny, poorly-constructed website. It should be spread across the land like AIDS in the porn industry, until everyone in the world is infected with a touch of the Gutte. In closing, I'd like to say this about your threat to attain the demise of Steve Guttenberg Saturdays: Bring it on, woman. Bring. It. On.

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Reader Comments

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Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Does Judge Wapner preside over Internet Court? Cause I\'d totally show up for that court date. Aaron J. Brown      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I\'d like to take this opportunity to say that I just declared a copywright on the Bible. My lawyer\'s going to very busy for the next year, but I\'m going to be oh-so important. Scapegoat      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Better watch out, Paul. I hear that MECHEALLE THE CUNT GUZZLING WHOREMASTER has some pretty kick ass Internet Lawyers, and I don\'t think she\'ll hesitate to sue you in Internet Court! mindwalker      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I love the letters columns. They are both truly frightening and wildly entertaining.

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