The art of fart etiquette

I'm not much for Communism. I think Karl Marx kind of looks like Santa Claus, but that's where my love for Communism ends. Once my subconscious realizes Marx isn't going to bring me presents, I go back to loathing the man.

However, last night while taking photos at a high school baseball game for The Newspaper^TM - which employs me - something happened that made me wish I could force everyone to follow my rules. A fat guy I was standing next to at the game was eating cheese curds, and without any fair warning, he completely ripped ass.

This was not a soft, sneaky bit of flatulence. This was a loud, rude thunderbolt of a fart, one that could be heard from far away. People actually looked over after the fart, and while I know everyone could easily tell it was the unkempt fat man who had broken wind and not me, that's not the point. The point is that this man farted, and felt no need to warn me ahead of time.

Is it so hard to tap me on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me, but I think I'm going to blow ass. You might want to step away for a moment." I even would have accepted notification by way of that old "Here comes a fart" song. You know, the one that goes "Quiet please, everybody freeze, duh duh duh da duh duh", followed by a fart? It's childish, but as soon as he got done with saying "everybody freeze", I would have realized the danger.

On an interesting side note, some people also add another line of "I feel the breeze between my knees" Is that a cultural thing? Perhaps a geographic difference in the song? Either way, the man should have warned me.

Granted, it's not like he held me down and farted on me, but he was still rude. The least he could have done was clench himself and let out a squeaker. Didn't this man's mother raise him right? If I were to stand next to my mother and rip a nasty, she'd beat me to high hell.

What makes this man think he can harass photographers with his ass, fogging up the lenses of our cameras and making our clothes smell like his butt? This man has a lot of nerve to not only release that buttocks beast onto me, but also to continue eating cheese curds afterwards, refueling his butt for another round.

If this were a Communist country, and I were its leader, I would ban public farting. Much like smoking, I wouldn't care what people did in the comfort of their own home, just as long as their pooty poot fun time wasn't made public domain.

I would also have a gigantic commie palace with monkey butlers as my servants, but that's a different story.

In conclusion, I hope we can all learn a lesson from today's column. If you have to pass the gas, don't pass it to someone else. Pass it to yourself. If you don't want to pass it to yourself, call a friend and pass it to them by putting the phone next to your butt. Basically, share it with anyone you want, just as long as they don't happen to be standing next to me.

"Relax/Don't think about/The way I treat you." Those lyrics will be stuck in your head for days after you hear this great song by Ambulance LTD. It's funky but not too loud. I wouldn't be surprised to see this band's songs go into heavy rotation in the land of alternative music, if they get the exposure they deserve. If you go to Ambulance LTD's website, you can download another of their songs, and listen to a bunch of others. They also have some great wallpaper images for your desktop. Their website is rather difficult to navigate, but just keep in mind that the different sections to choose from are in the dim photos in the top righthand corner of the screen, and that some sections haven't been set up yet and won't work. "Primitive" by Ambulance LTD Music archives

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Disgrunted Farter      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Granted, in this case the cheese dude was nasty. On the quieter side of the spectrum, I got written up for letting out a silent stinker in the presence of my boss this morning. Am I some kind of monster because I fart? Am I supposed to hold it in all day so as not to offend his sensitive nose? Joe C.      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   David, I wish I could be a Communist if it actually worked. All it does is create a small Dictatorial-Plutocratic-Oligarchic Elite. david      Mar 10, 9595 • 11:15am   You seem to have misunderstood what communism is. Being able to ban something like publicly busting ass would be a dictatorship (by you). Communism is the opposite, where everybody has equal rights and the government is made up of all citizens. It would be too complicated to implement, so it\'s not much of a system. But PLEASE! If you are going to discuss fart etiquette, get your facts straight. renziegirl      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   hahahahaha! Ver\' cute. I like-a your style, sir. And... your taste in music. Damian      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Cheers! This made me CRY laughing!

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