The worst comic strips ever

I should start this column by apologizing. There will probably be a lot of sucky comic strips missing from this list. There's just no possible way to go through every comic strip on earth to find the worst ones. However, I think I've got enough of the worst comic strips here to satisfy most of you.

I'm not sure how these comics made it big. Each of these horrible comic strips have been around for a while, and the reason for that is one of life's great mysteries. Some of the comics are cute enough to make you barf, while others are nothing more than daily doses of dull and cheesy cliches forced into small panels and presented as jokes.

If you're a fan of any of these comics I've listed, and are not saying so just to be funny, then please do us all a favor and kick yourself in the groin. Since I'm not sure if self groin kickage is physically possible, I'll be happy to do it for you for a small fee. But for now, let's get to the comics.

The Family Circus

Like Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park, "The Family Circus" is also a national treasure. Every day for as long as we can remember, it's been sucking hardcore in our local newspaper. The comic's dependability is amazing. It never gets worse or better over the days, but instead just stays at the same level of suckiness. Bil Keane must be Satan himself.

Zippy the Pinhead

I first saw Zippy the Pinhead when I was nine years old. My family was on vacation, so I read the comics of a different newspaper every day. When I moved to college many years later, the newspaper in that town also had this horrendously stupid comic. I said the same thing after reading it as an 18-year-old as I did after I read it when I was a nine-year-old: "What the hell was that?" The above strip is a perfect example of a Zippy the Pinhead "what the hell was that" strip.

Ziggy

Oh Ziggy, you poor bastard. How horrible it must be for you, being drawn bald simply because the artist, Tom Wilson, is too lazy and/or untalented to draw hair. Every day, Ziggy brings us a one-panel joke that, while sounding like some lame joke we've heard before, can't quite be matched exactly to any corny jokes from our past. Is it possible that Wilson's jokes are just so bad that after hearing them once, we feel like we've been tortured by them for years?

Fred Basset

"Hey look, it's a bone." "I'm going to bury this bone in the yard." "Now the bone is buried, and I have a devilish smile on my face. For some reason, this is supposed to be funny." Aren't dogs just crazy?! When you see something mundane a dog does, don't you just think to yourself how great it would be for someone to make it into a comic strip? Hilarious! The only funny part of the example comic strip above is unintentional. In the third panel, the motion cloud makes it look like the dog is farting.

Cathy

"Ackkkkk! ACKKKKK!" It's a good thing I was a fairly intelligent little kid, otherwise reading the comic strip "Cathy" would have made me think all women are ugly, bitchy, chubby drama queen bitches who sweat profusely, are too lazy to get in shape, and scream "ACKKKKK" when they get upset. Of course, some women are like that, but most of us have the sense to dump their asses and replace them with a winner. Wake you up when you're a size five, Cathy? How about you wake me up when your comic strip is funny. It'll be more like a coma than a nap.

Judge Parker

Nothing is worse than a "comic strip" that isn't comical. Perhaps the funny part of "Judge Parker" is the fact that all the characters dress as if it were 1983. Also, all the characters talk with their teeth clenched. Another thing: judging by the example comic strip above, the story lines seem fairly easy to predict. Look at the third panel. It's obvious the dark-haired "woman" is actually a man. The marriage will fail when the husband finds a wiener tied between his fiancee's legs.

Garfield

"Garfield" is a comic strip of a different sort. Unlike most of these other strips, which have always sucked, "Garfield" was once good. If you read through the early years of "Garfield", you'll find some good laughs. If you look through more recent versions of the strip, you'll find lame jokes and jokes that just don't make sense. I imagine the Garfield movie this summer will consist of the same formula. However, I will probably keep reading this comic strip until the last one, where Garfield gets put to sleep by the vet. And I'll frame that one.

That's Life

Hey look! It's a bear pretending to be a tourist! He's trying to order a smoothie! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The guy at the snackbar is totally pissed! Seriously, I get a bad feeling in my stomach whenever I see a one-panel comic. Back in the days of "The Far Side", I looked forward to that style of comic, but the lazy artists have ruined it. You'd think since they only have to draw one panel, they'd be able to put more work into the joke, but apparently that's not the case.

Reverend Fun

I don't mind if people put religion and/or education into comics, but I do mind if those comics suck. "Reverend Fun", my dear friends, sucks. While I'm sure Ned Flanders would greatly enjoy the comic, I find it to be a piece of hidey-ho-dum-diddley crap. Perhaps a change of format is necessary. If Jesus were the main character, and he walked around saying wacky things to people and smiting Nazis, people of all faiths and beliefs would embrace it.

Marmaduke

First off, my apologies to Johnny No Thumbs. I know you consider "Marmaduke" to be a "solid" comic, but I going to have to either disagree or take a large hit off your hookah. The artwork is poor (especially the backgrounds), the jokes are very non-solid, and the swassity of the comic rates down in the area of "non-swass". Frankly, Marmaduke always reminds me of a smaller, wussier version of "Clifford the big red dog", and we all know Clifford's suckiness cannot be disputed in any court of law.

Frank and Ernest

"Frank and Ernest" teaches us an interesting lesson: even when lame jokes are delivered by pseudo homeless guys, they're still not funny. Sadly, it's impossible to not read this comic when it's in the comics page. The text is so big and scarce that your eyes flock to it. Even if you don't want to read it, you'll be forced by the laws of nature to do it. "The Family Circus" also uses this technique. Bastards.

Bazooka Joe

I know, I'm sorry. "Bazooka Joe" is a staple of every standard childhood. It's a classic. The fortunes are still pretty humorous, but the comics are terrible. I've heard if you get caught exceeding the speed limit in Los Angeles, the police lock you in a room and won't let you out until you've written 100 Bazooka Joe comics. Then monkeys draw and color the strips with their left hands. But hey, at least the comics are better than the hard-as-a-rock gum.

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grzegorzocwieja@yahoo.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   www.betonblog.pl      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   gah@ishkabibble.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   tbradshaw@gmail.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm

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