To hell with everything. I'm never waking up again

This morning was a glum experience. I awoke and untwisted myself from my bedsheets, searching through my mind for a reason to get up. Unable to find one, I rolled over and planned to go back to sleep forever. Unfortunately, 30 minutes later, I had to get up to cop a urination.*

*See also "Bust a pee".

My morning cereal, King Vitaman - normally a delicious and enjoyable breakfast - tasted bland as I slowly gnawed it down to nothing. Even the milk tasted sour. My toothpaste was without its normal minty freshness, my morning can of soda gave me no vigor, and even my comfortable chair at work could not remove the blues that circulated through my veins like a virus.

I was a mess, and for good reason. All the little things in life - cereal, toothpaste, comfortable seating arrangements, humorous phrases like "bust a pee" - these things meant nothing to me. How could I enjoy life's greatest tastes, sights smells, sounds, textures, humorous urination phrases, and comforts when the core of such things in the universe was threatened? How could anything in life continue when just a week ago, the band "Creed" broke up?

Apparently, there were arguments between band members . . .

and drunkenness by lead singer Scott Stapp . . .

and disgust over Stapp's tendency to masturbate during photo shoots . . .

and the fact that the band is so crappy, only fat chicks will be groupies for them . . .

When Creed broke up, we all became a little happier inside. It was like a national holiday for the entire country. I walked outside the day it happened, and it was like a dream world. People were smiling and even whistling as they walked, young people were helping old people across the street, old people were encouraging young people to get on their lawns instead of off them, and muggers were returning valuables to former victims. It was like God peed a rainbow** across the whole world.

**Job 5:10

So what's the problem? Well, call me a pessimist, but today I began thinking bad thoughts. Horrible thoughts. I never wanted to think of things so gruesome, but I did, and it made me more depressed than I've ever been. My thought was, "What if Creed gets back together?"

As vile and disgusting as that thought was, it wasn't my worst. I began thinking worse thoughts, like, "What if Creed gets back together and makes a 2-CD set with a bunch of lame girly songs that get played on the radio non-stop for the next year?" Then I thought, "What if they get back together, release the 2-CD set, decide to come to La Crosse on their tour to play a four-hour show, and my boss at The Newspaper^TM - which employs me - forces me to cover it?"

That's when the thought of suicide entered the picture.

Luckily, I was able to convince myself that suicide was not necessary unless that ungodly terrifying moment of being in the same town as Scott Stapp occurred. But I'm still horribly depressed. What if they do get back together? And even if they don't get back together now, what if they get back together and start touring when they're all in their 50s, and the president tries to cut America's losses by bombing our own country to stop them?

To hell with that. To hell with going to work. To hell with refreshing cans of soda. To hell with minty toothpaste. To hell with King Vitaman, which is normally a delicious and enjoyable breakfast. To hell with busting a pee.***

***See also "Cop a urination".

To hell with getting out of bed. I'm crawling back under the sheets and never coming out.

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Martin      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Zonker Harris- Miss Venting      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I went to see Nickelback on 17 June 2004 at the Civic in Wolverhampton. I must admit, they did put on a great show. I lied - they were actually fantastic! Later on after the concert me and a few other gorgeous ladies were invited to meet the band in the VIP lounge. I hate to admit this, but I wish I never agreed to meet them. All I wanted to do was talk about music, influences, lyrics, family life and so forth. Unfortunatley, they were interested in other things, like entertaining one another! My original perception of them was that they were complex individuals, but on closer inspection they were typical Rock and Rollers. I was very dissapointed. Great band though and \"yes\" I would go and see another Nickelback concert again. I would highly recommend it. ***** homsar      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   eminem is by far less sucky than creed.

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