Laura Ness is hot

I'm a carpetbagger. I don't actually live in Duluth, MN, but since 99 percent of the columns I write for the Reader Weekly - Duluth's alternative paper - are poo humor, my carpetbagger status isn't a big deal. I could be living in a gigantic vat of Jell-O in Poland, and my Reader Weekly columns wouldn't change a bit. They'd still be the same old "Ha ha, wouldn't it be funny if someone broke wind in this situation" jokes.

However, occasionally my carpetbagger status causes me to miss important ideas for my weekly column, because I usually don't see the newspaper until a week after it's published. This week is one of those times. Or would it be last week? Sigh. Writing columns a week ahead of time and not seeing them until a week after publication tends to screw up a guy's sense of time.

Either way, this afternoon I opened my mailbox to find the June 10 issue of the Reader Weekly. I searched through it for column ideas, and found an extremely appealing picture on page five. It was a photo of Laura Ness, who is running for Duluth's second district county commissioner seat this fall. And since everyone else who saw her picture is thinking the same thing I am, I'll just come right out and say it: Laura Ness is freakin' hot!

Yes, yes I know. She's married to Donny Ness, another local politician. But that's another advantage of being a carpetbagger. I can write an entire column about the attractiveness of another man's wife, and there's no way he'll be able to beat me up for it. I suppose he could eventually find me and beat me until I scream like a little girl, but is it really worth such a long drive just to punch Duluth's eighth-favorite columnist in the gut?

My fascination with Donny's totally hot wife is a compliment for him, really. If I were married, and someone like me came up and said, "Hey Paul, your wife's hot!", I'd be flattered. Then I'd buy that person a beer. If that person didn't live in the same city as me, I'd send a 12-pack of Pilsner Urquell to the Reader Weekly (P.O. Box 16122, Duluth, MN 55816), and ask them to forward it along.

Man, I hope Donny is reading this. And enjoying it. And suddenly noticing he has an extra couple of bucks in his beer fund.

Okay, enough about Donny. This column isn't about him, though with a name like Donny, I'm sure the ladies swoon over him in a glossy Tiger Beat fashion the same way guys like me swoon over Laura, his hot wife. However, Laura Ness is the candidate, and if I want any chance to have first dibs on her when Donny dies of old age 60 years from now, I've got to keep this column on task.

Now first off, I know the last thing any intelligent woman wants is for people to vote for her because she's "Duluth's Finest Hottie^TM" (even though it's clear to see Laura Ness is Duluth's Finest Hottie^TM). Such things are degrading, and I won't let this column stoop to those levels. At least not anymore. Anyway, I'd like to take this time to say I'd vote for Laura Ness because she seems like a very intelligent, dedicated person who wants to make positive change in Duluth.

Plus, she's totally hot.

What? I'm just saying! Seriously though, I meant what I said about her coming across as an intelligent, dedicated person. It's not close enough to the election to make any final decisions, but I like the views she's put forth so far, and I'm certainly not suggesting people vote for or against her because she's good-looking. I'm just getting this whole "Whoa, she's hot" factor out in the open before the election, so the citizens of Duluth can spend this fall deciding for themselves without worrying about hotness.

So I'll get it out of my system one last time. Here we go. This is the last time I say this. I promise.

Man, oh man, Laura Ness is freakin' hot.

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Reader Comments

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hac      Jun 17, 2004 • 10:50pm   What d'ya mean? Duluth's Finest Hottie is no longer Jesse Ventura? Johnny No Thumbs      Jun 17, 2004 • 6:18pm   To really get the intellectual part through to the voters. Laura should wear a pair of dark framed glasses. Then she'd look like a really hot (and smart) librarian. It could only help. And when it comes to Laura Ness, I'm all about helping. mindwalker      Jun 17, 2004 • 2:28pm   I suggest Kate write a guest column on Donny Ness, who, while attractive, I would not classify as hot, though. Katers      Jun 17, 2004 • 1:57pm   In the interest of fairness, I am calling for the "Donny Ness is hot" column AB suggested. It's only fair. Aaron J. Brown      Jun 17, 2004 • 1:06pm   Well done. Why, it was as though Aristotle himself crafted a delicate slice of rhetoric declaring the hotness of this particular politician. If anyone complains, it would be to say this is degrading. Your response should be to write your NEXT column declaring the hotness of Donny Ness. Some would call in a female guest columnist for that, but I think you could cover it. mindwalker      Jun 17, 2004 • 5:23am   Haha...I hope you're sending this column to Richard to be printed in this week's Reader. That would be very funny.

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