What the world needs now is gargoyles

When I was a kid, my parents used to drive around trendy Minneapolis suburbs like Eden Prairie and Burnsville, looking at the Parade of Homes. My brother and I hated it. We'd go inside a dozen new houses, all of which looked exactly the same.

One time, I decided to amuse myself by collecting business cards from each of the homes. At one house, the real estate agent pulled the card away from me and said, "These are not for you. These are for people who want to buy the house." What an ass. Like it mattered if the cheap bastard had one less business card. That was the final straw for me. My attempts to be somewhat interested in this dull activity of touring bland homes was over, and I spent the rest of the Parade of Homes lying lifeless in the car, overwhelmed by the suckiness surrounding me.

If the Parade of Homes taught me one thing, it was that modern architecture sucks, because new buildings are boring. I really don't see how anyone could argue differently. Every new neighborhood and subdivision has nearly identical homes that use identical materials and have identical bland colors. Larger buildings are just as plain and lifeless, with no personality to set them apart from other establishments.

Our ability to build taller buildings and pull off more outrageous designs has increased over the years, so why has our quest for creativity gone down the toilet? In the early 1900s, buildings were interesting. They had different textures and styles, and more importantly, they had gargoyles that were freakin' awesome.

Look at those two gargoyles. The first one is from Paris. The second one is from Ottawa. They may not be American, but there's equally creative gargoyles on many historic American buildings. Is there anything cooler than a winged monkey gargoyle pondering life on top of a building? The only thing that could even come close is the crazy muskrat/beaver/dragon thing in the second photo. Imagine how much better your kids would behave if you told them the creepy muskrat dragon thingy came to life each night and ate bad children.

To be fair, those gargoyles are a bit unusual. Most gargoyles were milder, and had a practical use as a rain spout, to project water away from the building so it wouldn't ruin the foundation. Of course, we have more cost-effective ways to do that now, but they're nowhere near as cool as gargoyles.

I say it's time we put style back into architecture. I realize it costs more to have gargoyles carved and added to building designs, but does a few extra thousand dollars for some gargoyles really matter when you're paying millions to build a major building? Suck it up, companies. If I ran an architectural firm, I'd make the firm's slogan be "If you don't want gargoyles, get the fuck out of our office."

Customer: Hi, we'd like to build a community center in town.

Paul: Would you like gargoyles on it?

Customer: Um . . . no thanks. Just a regular building, please.

Paul: Let me ask you again. Do you want gargoyles on it?

Customer: No. I don't see why we'd need . . .

Paul: Get the fuck out of my office.

Here's another example, just to make sure you understand the literalness of the business' slogan.

Customer: We're looking to create the most visually appealing zoo in the world, and we think your firm could give us what we need.

Paul: Would you like gargoyles for your zoo?

Customer: I . . . I don't think gargoyles are actual creatures you can put in a zoo. I think they're just mythical.

Paul: No, I mean for the building itself. Do you want gargoyles built into the design of the building?

Customer: Well, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Maybe instead of gargoyles, you could include statues of zoo animals.

Paul: Zoo animals like . . . gargoyles?

Customer: No, I already explained that! No gargoyles! Stop trying to push these damn gargoyles on me!

Paul: Hey, just calm yourself for a second and have a seat, okay? When you're calm, we'll talk.

Customer: Okay, I'm sitting. Let's talk.

Paul: Are you comfortable?

Customer: Yes, very comfortable.

Paul: Do you like the chair? Is it nice and relaxing?

Customer: Yes, it's a wonderful chair. Quite nice to sit in.

Paul: Good. Now get the fuck out of my office.

My dad is involved in construction work, and he says gargoyles are too expensive. He says my plan for an "gargoyle only" architectural firm wouldn't work. He said if companies put gargoyles on buildings, kids would get scared and their parents would sue. In turn, that would open up the possibility of lawsuits against anything that was ugly or creepy.

Which means people would start suing other people for being ugly and scaring them. Poor Jackie Mason would be left penniless, if he isn't already.

But I'm still determined to make this work. I think the lawsuits would be worth it for the great vibe and reputation it would give to the cities in our country. And besides, how else are you going to get to see a statue of a sheep barfing out flowers?

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Reader Comments

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terre montunes      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I bought my first gargoyle today. It is a flying monkey. Love, love, love him!!! I am 52, and maybe just a wee bit childish??? Desiree      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   My mother collects gargoyles. They are everywhere. Outside the house. Inside the house. In every room. Its a bit scary really. dmimz      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   the disney studio in hollywood may not have gargoyles, but they at least used the dwarves from snow white as their massive columns. thinking that kids would be scared of gargoyles is ridiculous-these are probably the same people who let their kids watch anything and everything on tv... Aaron J. Brown      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   We\'re building a house next year. I\'ll say this. Before today, gargoyles were off the table. Today -- well, let\'s just say I am FAR more likely to purchase gargoyles now then I ever have been. Johnny No Thumbs      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I completely agree with you. There are subdivisions out here where all the houses look exactly alike. How the hell are you supposed to know which house is yours. If each house had a different gargoyle on it, it\'s easy. They could also act as the new family crest. Like medevil times when each family had their own symbol, only now it would be the family gargoyle. I\'m going to create my family\'s gargoyle and insist that every relative put it on their house. If they don\'t, I\'ll disown them. InariKitsune      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I love gargoyles and have said for years that the world needs more interesting things to look at. Be glad you\'re not in Arizona, you\'re buildings might be somewhat bland but at least they\'re not mostly cubes varying in shades of pink.

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