Computers Now Write My Column For Me

That's right, you heard me. I'm no longer needed on this website. You see, I've found a computer that can write my column for me.

Granted, it would be an extremely similar topic each day, since only a few words in the column would change each day (a la "Mad Libs"). It's something I found called "The Automated Dave Barry Column Generator" (http://peacefire.org/staff/Bennett/autodave).

All you have to do is fill-in twenty categories of words and phrases, and the machine will automatically create a classic Dave Barry column out of your ideas. This website is old news, but I figured I'd try it out and see what kind of a column I got. Strangely enough, it was pretty damn good. Take a look:


Recently in La Crosse, Wisconsin (motto: "I play with myself for fun"), residents reported an outbreak of poop stains. Perhaps you think there are no poop stains in La Crosse, Wisconsin . Perhaps you are an idiot.

According to a quote, which I am not making up, from La Crosse, Wisconsin Mayor Stephen Dondelinger (formally "Mayor Stephen Dondelinger" and informally "Steve-o"), poop stains ranks as a major crisis just behind peanut butter, jelly and white bread (insert your "ugly children" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between La Crosse, Wisconsin government employees:

FIRST LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN EMPLOYEE: "I can buy you now."

SECOND LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN EMPLOYEE: "You fucking asshole."

FIRST LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN EMPLOYEE: "You're a fucking asshole."

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Steve-o, and that is: steal George Steinbrenner's boxer shorts.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's boxer shorts, although it might involve peeing on the faces of Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "masturbating", and de grace, meaning "a lot". The procedure (you may want to write this down):

1. Start eating it
2. Using a sink plunger

But instead the La Crosse city council (motto: "We'll order chinese food when you pry the large phallic symbol out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the poop stains) will smell like shit soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "I brake for fat ladies".

Speaking of which, "The La Crosse, Wisconsin Poop stains Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.


Not bad, huh? Just to clear something up, the first "La Crosse, Wisconsin Employee" had an opening line that didn't make much sense. "I can buy you now." It came from a question where the form asked me what I'd say to my boss if I won the lottery.

There were a few paragraphs that I also deleted all together, simply because they didn't make much sense. But all in all, it's not too bad. It'll work.

So I'm leaving you punks. I'm sick of writing columns every day. Auto Dave is taking over. From now on, every column will involve 75% recycled material! Ha ha!

Hold on . . . wait a second. The columns I write are 75% recycled material.

Crap. Never mind, then. I only wanted to use it because I thought it would be crappier, or at least a little higher on the crap-tastic meter. But i'll be damned if I'm going to replace myself with something better.

There goes my %#*@!+# vacation. Stupid machines.