I'm in the market for a urinal

Let me ask you something, reader. Have you ever taken a leak in your own bathroom and thought, "My stream of urine deserves something better"? I certainly have, but I'm not sulking about my unsatisfactory urination receptor. No, I'm doing something about it.

After spending nearly a full minute and a half thinking about it, I've decided I'm in the market for a urinal.

I'm not sure if my landlord technically allows urinals, but who's going to turn one down? Can you remember any moment in history when someone has said no to a urinal? I didn't think so. Future male residents will love it, and future female residents will have no problem using it once they get used to it. There's nothing in the rules of life that says a woman can't stand backwards over a urinal and bend over to use it. It's the same stance and technique used for hiking a football: pick your target and project. Just imagine how much shorter your restroom lines would be if you all learned to do that, ladies.

Other advantages of ladies who learn how to use a urinal include, 1) Being able to write your name legibly in the snow, 2) Having a surprise attack ready for rapists who approach you from behind, and 3) Having the benefits of the male anatomy without having to lug the thing around all day.

I'm sure many of you see my contemplated urinal purchase as a "silly" idea that is nothing more than an attempt to be different. You probably see it as a quarter-life crisis of some sort. A few of you may even quote a song by the great band Cake, the one where they ask, "How Do You Afford Your Rock'n'roll Lifestyle?" Well, it's not like that. It's just that I found this website that sells urinals, and it seemed like a good idea. They have a variety of designs, and moderate prices. Once I realized I could be urinating into the wall for as little as $200, I was determined to make it happen.

For those of you who aren't sold on the idea yet, let me tell you something that will blow your mind: you can get these urinals in a variety of colors. Colors, I tell you! I don't know why most places go with the plain white ones. Like a white automobile, a white urinal just gets dirty faster. If you had a tan-colored urinal, it would be much more difficult to see the vomit that the biker guy with the beard yakked up while attempting to pee.

There's actually only two places I've seen a urinal that isn't white. One is in the smaller venue of First Avenue in Minneapolis, which has a metal urinal of some sort. The other was in Milwaukee, where a somewhat upscale restaurant had a black urinal. That was definitely my favorite. However, the upscale restaurant made the mistake of also having the wall tiles be black and the lights dim, which made it difficult to be sure you were actually peeing in the urinal.

I need to decide what type of urinal I'm going to purchase, sneak into my apartment, and quietly install in my bathroom without my landlord noticing. Here's my options:

Maybrook 1.0
This is by far the cheapest option. It's made from "vitreous china", which I assume is similar to the "good china" your mother uses when company comes over. I'm curious to see what the beta versions (perhaps version 0.5, or version 0.8) of this urinal might have looked like, so I can see what improvements they've made. I was unaware that urinals had beta/testing versions before the final product was released. Maybe I should wait until Maybrook 2.0 comes out. The price for this one is $200-$275.

Jetbrook 1.0
This one is a little more expensive, at $402-$571, and it kind of looks like a regular toilet. However, this look may also encourage my drunk friends to take a dump in it, which would be bad. I'm intrigued by this model's "blowout-type flush action", which leads me to believe that with proper cleaning beforehand, once could also use it to bathe children or children. For an example, see the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon below:

Innsbrook 0.5
Uh oh. Should I chance it with this expensive, futuristic "0.5" model? The other two urinals were 1.0 models. This one has an automatic flushing system which senses when you've left, and "integral extended sides for privacy". The question left unanswered, however, is whether it offers enough privacy where I could pee with the door open if I get married someday. That would be the clincher that would make this urinal worth the $933-$1,292.

Stallbrook 1.0
"That's not a urinal. THIS is a urinal!" This mother of all urinals - that is, if you don't feel uncomfortable peeing into something I just referred to as "mother" - goes to the floor, ensuring the only way you'll miss is if you're intentionally micturating on the floor to spite someone. This urinal will certainly make you the envy of all your friends, and for $905-$1,092, why shouldn't it? The only thing that could possibly be cooler is if you had one of these custom made to your height, creating a walk-in urinal of sorts. For anyone who would like to see a working walk-in urinal, go to the Old Main building at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and use the second floor bathroom. The urinal is like a freakin' cave. It's awesome. Sometimes I'd go out of my way to walk past Old Main just so I could bust a pee there.

Which one should I choose, reader? Should I choose one at all, or just stick with the regular non-awesome toilet? Your opinion could effect the way I urinate for years to come.

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Jeff      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   The Maybrook & Jetbrook both offer the best \"forward extention\" to catch the last remains as the urine stream slows to a trickle and few drops. The full-length urinal, while visually impressive, will be hell to install since you\'ll need to have your floor cut-out to accomodate its recessed base. Females also seem to prefer the wall-hung variety. Cholly      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   That\'s perfect, then! You wouldn\'t even be ripping off your dad, just his co-contractor. Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I would, but the toilets and such are not part of what the company does. They do the work, and then others install the plumbing and electricity. dmimz      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   why don\'t you just \"borrow\" one from one of the construction sites of your dad\'s construction sites? MrEnthusiasm      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   The Stallbrook is undoubtedly your answer. Floor-length urinals offer the best all-around experience. It\'s just like copping a urination on the floor, except you don\'t get in trouble for making a big mess. Awhite      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   You should coustom tile your own and just make the drain run into the shower of the person who lives below you. InariKitsune      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I\'m never a fan of other peoples filth so my vote is for the Innsbrook 0.5. They may miss and pee all over the floor but at least you don\'t have to touch it after it\'s been used. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Dude, in the end, any urinal you\'d choose is just a place you\'d piss in. Why bother going for the fancy stuff?

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