In Florida, short weaklings with white hair - known most commonly as "elderly people" - are fighting back against security officials who say sitting around waiting for the mailman to come each day is a terroristic activity. Luckily, old people are feeble and get sleepy around 4 pm, so officials are having no problems containing them.

The Homeland Security department's decision to ban waiting for the mail adds yet another hobby to the many that have already been sacrificed for the sake of national security. In 2001, the government banned citizens from sending anthrax and letter bombs to each other, much to the disdain of many anthrax and exploding package enthusiasts.

This latest decision has affected thousands of old farts across the country, many of whom had no idea their lame and incredibly boring actions were illegal.

"I was just sitting here on the steps enjoying Reader's Digest," said Atticus Smith, a Florida home owner. "Then this guy in a suit with a badge came up and told me to go inside. I told him I was friends with the mailman, but he wouldn't believe me. He said nobody would want to be friends with their mailman, because that would be stupid. Damn youngsters don't understand."

Senior citizens at Daisy Fern Nursing Home in Gainesville, FL were equally shocked after being warned to not even look out the window until after the mailman had come. FBI agents stood guard outside, shooting rubber bullets at residents who stood by their windows too long.

"One of those rubber things hit me in the anus," said Phyllis Martin, a resident of the building. "My toosh has hurt all day. If I weren't so old and useless, I'd go give those people a piece of my mind."

Florida is getting the most attention from security officials, because 74% of its population is made up of stinky old people, but other states are also seeing strict coverage. In Chaska, MN, a wrinkly man wearing a camping hat checked his mailbox once too often, and was pulled into Lake Bavaria and drowned by a police officer. The officer said the man was overheard saying, "Where the hoot is the mail? I wish Herb hadn't retired. This new young fella is always late." This qualified the man as a terrorist. In Richfield, Minnesota, two old women gazing glassy-eyed into the distance from the steps of of their nursing home were beaten to death by a police officer.

"Oh, it was freakin' hilarious!" said Ben Wilson, a teenager from Richfield. "These old ladies were sitting there all like, 'I hope my son sent me a birthday card' or whatever, and the police guy was like BAM! He took those old bitches out with a vengeance."

Other teens across the country are equally thrilled, now that law enforcement is focusing on the elderly instead of them.

"I sweer to Gawd, I can fukkin' piss on anybody lawn. They ain't nobody bother me no more," said Chad Lawton, a drunken 17-year-old puking in a gutter. "Fuk you, anus smiley pants. I got yer gawddamn homo shite in yer mouth."

In La Crosse, Wisconsin, elderly people have begun a campaign to get the new law overturned. Protests and picketing is found everywhere, as most of the elderly residents in the city have nothing better to do than wait for the mail.

"This is my life," said Mildred Alden, the organization's leader. "There could be anything in the mail: coupons, periodicals, letters from Agnes talking about her new hairstyle. What if my grandson wants to write me and ask me for more ribbon candy? I only hope they don't try and take away bingo night next. If they do, I'll have nothing left but to sit in my kitchen and wait for death."

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