I'm starting a band, and we're gonna rock you until you crap yourself

Fuck you, reader.

I just completed the first step to starting a band: creating controversy. My band, which I just formed eight seconds ago, doesn't have a lead singer, guitarist, bassist, drummer, triangle player, accordionist, bagpiper, kazoo player, or cowbell specialist yet, but we're already popular. The controversy is what brings in the fans, not the music.

I do, however, have two things to use to start the band. One is a 1980s Casio keyboard stashed away at my parents house somewhere (Built-in drum beats. Score!), and the other is a name for my band. Most bands don't take the time to think up cool names, which is why you get dumb band names like "Bush", "D12", and "The Thrills". My band name is much more creative. We will be called "Fist Up Your Urethra".

Fist Up Your Urethra is coming to town! Your pee will hurt when you hear our sound!

We're totally awesome. I haven't written any songs yet, but the first one is definitely going to be called "And My Other Fist Up Your Squirthole". The lyrics will be something along the lines of, "I've got rings on all my fingers/and a tin full of Skoal/Gonna make you scraped and minty/When I shove it up your hole." It's a work in progress, and the lyrics might still change. So don't go printing it on a t-shirt or anything.

That will be the album's title song, and it will be our only original song. The rest of the songs will be covers of a current chart-topping band that has yet to be determined. You see, my band isn't going to be like any other band in history. We'll be a cover band, but we're not going to cover a whole bunch of different old bands. We're going to pick one popular modern band and practice until we can perform the songs as well as they can. Then we're going to follow them around to their concerts and undercut them.

What does that mean? As an example, let's say we choose to be a White Stripes cover band. Basically, we'll set up a concert at a venue next to wherever The White Stripes are playing, and give the same exact show as them for half the price. Everything will be half price. Our t-shirts, CD's, thong underwear, jock straps, and trendy mesh trucker hats will all cost less than the original band's merchandise. And since we'll sound exactly like the original band, everyone will come to our concert instead. This is the perfect business for our country's tough financial times.

Best of all, our band will make millions, because we won't have to shell out big bucks for expensive advertisements or other promotions. When the original band advertises a concert, it'll be like an advertisement for us. All the people we're appealing to will be at the concert for the original band anyway, so we'll save a ton of money.

If the fans start to get surly at any point, we'll ditch the cover songs and go straight to our secret weapon: the "And My Other Fist Up Your Squirthole" song. No one will be able to resist that one. Do any of you know how to play the cowbell? Okay, so a lot of you do. But do any of you know how to play the cowbell with a vengeance? I want it to seem like the cowbell player is raping the cowbell. Because if there's not enough cowbell, the song's just not going to be what I envisioned.

Long live "Fist Up Your Urethra"!

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   No, Tractor, Paul\'s going to be in my band, the \"Dirty Blonde Dreadlocks\". DBD 4-EVA. Word. Johnny No Thumbs      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I rock a mean cowbell. I am to the rock n roll cowbell, what Townsend was to the guitar...times 132. How\'d I get so good? I have no thumbs, so it\'s one instrument I could play. So while everyone else tried learning guitar or piano, I had dreams of making it big on the cowbell. TractorInc      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   It\'s always good to see a new band start up. If you need some help getting gigs, I can always let you open for my band \"The Squirrel Resurrection Project.\" Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Sorry Mindwalker, but I haven\'t got the tits for it. But then again, neither does Britney. mindwalker      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Iz thiz gonna be a Britneyyyyy cover band? That would be so totally cool. haha dmimz      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   why don\'t you use garage band? then you could just skip all the rehearsals and auditions and just lipsync to whatever band you want. and you could probably find a way to emulate the sound of a cow being raped by the cowbell.... Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Just don\'t sound like Creed and I won\'t hate your band. Scott      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Wow...

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