Please excuse my mid-year column writing crisis

Hello, and welcome. Thank you for attending this season's mid-year crisis for Daily Ramblings. It's an exciting event, marked by Paul slamming his face into his keyboard at work while he murmurs odd things to himself, like "No, I won't think up more column topics", "why did I start doing this stupid website in the first place", and "I haven't written about the Olsen Twins yet . . . oh God, did I just say that?"

You see, including the Saturday editions, Paul writes six humor columns a week. That's 312 columns a year. So for 85% of the days in a year, Paul writes a humor column. Obviously, this pressure leads to some mental breakdowns. So once a year Paul has a complete breakdown where he spends an entire column cursing at his readers. He's an excerpt from Paul's rant this year:

Cocksucking, ungrateful bastards! If I had an entire water tower full of my own urine, I'd hook up a firehose and drench every one of those ass-sucking, special olympics competing, turd licking pacifists! Wait . . . I like pacifists. WELL THEN, THEY'RE NOT PACIFISTS AT ALL! THEY'RE DUCK HUMPING . . . DUCK HUMPING . . . UH . . . WELL, THEY'RE DUCK HUMPERS!

Of course, the readers are not responsible for Paul's troubles. The faithful readers of Daily Ramblings are kind, loyal souls who help Paul get through his day. They are not expected to solve Paul's problems and keep him calm. Luckily, we've found ways to keep Paul in line on our own.

The main thing that calms Paul is beer and ultra swass indie rock concerts where Paul can thrash around and take out his aggression on others. This is especially effective when the concert venue has cheap bottles of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and the mosh pit is filled with teenie boppers who thought it would be "cute" to go to a punk rock concert. Paul especially enjoys thrashing people like that. A good show like this can calm Paul for up to two weeks at a time.

The rest of the year, Paul's stress is kept in check by his constant pessimism and sarcasm. By treating others like scum, Paul feels better about himself, and gets the enjoyment of watching others die a little more inside. If the opportunity presents itself, Paul will sometimes trip children who are walking to school, or spit on the elderly.

Often times, these hijinks extend to the Internet. When Paul saw that a certain webmaster didn't like to post their photo online, he posted a fake one of them, making the person's fans believe he is fat and ugly, since it is the only photo of him found online. Paul is a strange beast in that he actually finds pranks like this funny, while most others just roll their eyes.

Paul finds fart jokes funny as well. While these jokes are childish at best, they keep Paul feeling like a kid instead of a boring adult.

What? Sigh. Paul wants me to tell you that it's funny we used the word "suddenly" to describe his fart, because nobody farts slowly. Yes. Yes, that's very funny, Paul. Go back to your alcoholism.

So please excuse today's column. Paul is having his mid-year crisis. While this can be a very annoying time for us to have to suffer through, at least he's not buying convertibles or dating cheap floozies.

Of course, that's only because he can't afford a convertible, and cheap floozies won't go anywhere near him.

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Scapegoat      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Uh-oh...the writing slump continues! :o) Maybe we should give poor Paul a paid week off. erin      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Sorry- I forgot to check my spelling and give my email...here it is: egc213@nyu.edu erin      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I personally feel there is nothing funnier then a good ole fart comment or joke. This is because I dont there is anything not funny about farts. The sound is obviously funny, the lack of sound is even funnier, the smell is groos but funny, how farts make you feel is funny, how farts make others feel is funny. Please email me if there is anyhting that isnt funny about farts. Scenarios dont count....they can be funny, but they dont count because if you were particuraly offended by someone\'s fart than you need to work on your sense of humor...and it wasnt the fart that wasnt funny it was just the scenario that you were offended in...the fart is always funny. mindwalker      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   yes but not associated with Mr. Brown.

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