Making your bed is stupid

I'm 25 years old. My dad once said he believes it takes about 25 years before a person really knows what they're doing in life, which I take to mean that once you're 25, you automatically know everything. And let me tell you, I do know everything. I'm like a freakin' ruggedly handsome, socially non-creepy version of Stephen Hawking over here.

While I've always known I was a genius, I never had the proper backing from science until now. Since I'm 25, and scientifically able to be a genius, I figure it's only right to share my knowledge with those of you who are under 25, and proven by science to be idiotic. So reader, please open your textbooks to chapter one, titled "Making your bed is freakin' stupid."

My parents always used to require me to make my bed when I was younger. But why? We never had company or impressive people over, so weren't we really only using our tidy beds to impress ourselves? As I look back, I'm ashamed at how my family could have been so vain. The entire time I was in that house of well-kept beds, I never noticed what a pompous bunch of bastards we were.

I don't make my bed anymore. It's not rational. I'm just going to sleep in my bed again that night, so why should I make it look nice? The president isn't coming over to visit anytime soon (oh brother, is he definitely not coming over soon), so what's the big deal? Each night when I go to bed, I find my sheets disheveled and full of wrinkles, just as I left them that morning.

My parents, on the other hand, go to bed each night with their bed made up perfectly, as if they were staying in a hotel. I'm surprised they don't throw out the bars of soap in the bathroom each night, and replace them with new ones. After all, why leave a messy used bar of soap sitting around? Make it look new!

Every time I sleep at a hotel, me and the hooker I paid for have to spend at least two minutes untucking the bed, just so we can get in and have cheap, dirty sex. If the hooker is a fatty, sometimes it takes even longer. At home, the cheap, horribly drunken women I sleep with don't have to untuck the bed at all. As soon as we get in the room, it's "go time".

As a side note, I should mention that if a woman agrees to have sex with you, it's probably not a good idea to refer to the act as "go time". Other inappropriate terms include "hoggin' time", "bukkake time", and "30-second blow and go".

Anyway, I think it's time we reversed this trend of making our beds. Beds are for sleeping, sexing, and sometimes playing a small travel game of backgammon by yourself. There is no use in making your bed, unless the president is coming to visit. And even then, why would you want to make your bed? You're just going to have to untuck the sheets again when you roll him up in them and throw him in the river.

Yeah, what are you gonna do, Ashcroft? Come get me. Bring it on.

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Reader Comments

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yeah yeah      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   readerweekly.us      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   none of your business      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   8berse6      Feb 7, 4129 • 11:42am   No he isn\'t, nerds are smart suzzy bells      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   ok, so i\'m in school. and i\'m doin a research paper on why not to make your bed, and i want to say thank you for helping me with the paper. i\'ll be sure to tell her that hookers hate sheets, i would never have tought about that. and for the most part , i can\'t stand the president so i could careless if he ends up in the river. i\'ll help for that matter.

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