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Wednesday Music Spotlight, and the plight of Cheese Paul Ryan Last Tuesday, I checked the clock and panicked. It was 8:35 p.m, and Best Buy was only open for another 25 minutes. I had to get there in time to buy the latest Richard Cheese album for Wednesday Music Spotlight! Richard Cheese is a hilarious lounge singer who does "loungified" versions of popular hits. But he's not Weird Al Yankovic. Richard Cheese actually has singing talent. He's like Dean Martin, if Martin sang lounge versions of rap songs by Snoop Dogg. Cheese has quite the cult following, but he still eludes mainstream status. This makes him perfect for WMS. I rushed out the door, pressed the gas pedal to the floor on my 1993 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, and sped off to the store as fast as my car would go . . . a brisk 47 mph. With my radar detector firmly attached to the inside of my windshield, blinking it's little red light, I zig-zagged through busy traffic and got to the store at 8:57. The last of the customers were leaving as I tried to get in. The "in" door didn't automatically open, but I slid it open by hand. An employee tried to tell me the store was closed, but I ran in anyway, shouting "I have to get Richard Cheese! You understand! Cheeeeeeeese!" The employee was not amused, but he was also too lazy to chase me down. I went to the popular section and cruised past lesser artists like Ace of Base and Anus Freely, but found no Richard Cheese. I tried the "easy listening" section, but found only Kenny G. Mr. G - which I can only assume stands for "God-awful" - was striking a Madonna-type pose that made me ashamed to be human. In a last desperate attempt, I checked the "world music" section. The only thing I found was a CD that had a fat Jamaican man playing a baby blue children's Casio keyboard on the cover. I was tempted to purchase this album, but it was $16 plus tax. Damn expensive imports. Just as I was about to check the "Celtic harmonies" section, a manager came and told me to get the hell out. I asked him where the Richard Cheese albums were, and he told me they didn't carry his albums. No Richard Cheese? What the hell! My anger grew as I realized the man cared little about my plight. How could he not be outraged about this? Where was a good man like myself - someone who had contributed hours of half-assed, non-prison related community service, and led a moderately-sober life - supposed to get his Richard Cheese fix? I scolded the man, and said his store was full of ass lickers getting paid to walk around with their hands in their pockets, masturbating. He told me to get lost. What kind of a world do we live in if a man can't go down to the local music store and buy Richard Cheese? Answer me, someone! I want answers, you filthy bastards! After this experience, I momentarily contemplated becoming a pro-Richard Cheese Bolshevik, but decided against it. So alas, I used another artist for last week's WMS. But I ordered Mr. Cheese's CD online, and his web monkeys promptly shipped me a copy. Hallelujah! On Saturday the CD arrived, and I drank heavily while listening to it. Around 2 a.m, my neighbors started pounding on the walls. I turned the music up even louder, flung open the door to the hallway, and screamed along with Cheese's remake of the Ludacris song, "Stand Up".
"I REALLY DON'T CARE, Before I knew it, a large pan had gouged the side of the head. I awoke 14 hours later, still in the hallway, covered in warm urine. The pan had injured the part of the brain humans use to hold back pee, and I feared the next week would be an awkward one at work. Luckily, I stumbled back inside to find my Richard Cheese album still in the CD player. I uploaded the songs to my computer, so I could let you listen to them today, reader. My head hurts and this tropical punch Kool-Aid I keep drinking is causing me to urinate all over myself, but my heart is filled with hilarious lounge music. Share that last feeling with me, reader, by clicking the WMS link below. Blaowwwww.
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Richard Cheese is a hilarious lounge singer who does "loungified" versions of popular hits. But he's not Weird Al Yankovic. Richard Cheese actually has singing talent. He's like Dean Martin, if Martin sang lounge versions of rap songs by Snoop Dogg. Here's my favorite song of his new album, Snoop Dogg's "Gin & Juice".
