A Public Service Announcement

Today’s important PSA comes from an e-mail I received over the weekend. Faithful reader Nikki Simmer of St. Paul, Minn. works at a hospital in the Twin Cities. She works the night shift in the emergency room, so obviously she sees many odd things. Things one might not want to eat a bowl of “Fruity Pebbles” after seeing. Here’s what she had to say:

PLEASE, please do a Ramblings about the people who come in here with stuff up their arse; we just had number four for this year come in and it's only June.

We've had the infamous Cucumber Man, Squash man, Screwdriver Handle Man, and Carrot Man. Others that I have heard of have used pens, Coke bottles, pretty much any tool handle you can think of, and a hairbrush handle.

All at once? Jesus!

Well, okay, here it goes. Let’s help Nikki. (Ahem) Reader . . . PLEASE DON’T STICK THINGS UP YOUR ASS.

It’s not polite.

For some of you (sure as hell not me), there is great temptation to shove things up your ass. Well, stop it. Stop it right this instant. As fun as you think it may be to shove a gigantic squash up your ass gasket, please be advised that it’s not fun for the nurse who eventually has to take it out for you.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. You think that if it gets stuck, you can just poo it out like last night’s dinner. Granted, isn’t that what your butt is made to do? Shoot things out? I’m stumped as well, reader, but I guess it just doesn’t work that way. I don’t know. I’ve never tried to shove an entire Lite-Brite set up my butt before.

I can’t explain why you can’t poo out an entire unopened box of Lincoln Logs, but you just can’t. Maybe Nikki knows. Either way, I refuse to sit here and try to describe the workings of your ass to you, reader. JUST STOP SHOVING THINGS IN YOUR ASS.

I’m not going to sit here and scold you. I’m not your father. Yes, I know you make mistakes like everyone else, but the point is to learn from those mistakes. And what you should learn from being in the emergency room with a small desk lamp in your ass is NOT TO SHOVE THINGS IN YOUR ASS.

Seriously, it’s not healthy. I know, I know, all the cool kids at school are doing it. Well, I have news for you: the kids in your school are really, really, really weird.

Is this what you want to do with your life? Sit around, sticking things in your ass all day? Well, that’s just great. I’m sure not driving you to the emergency room next time. You’ll just have to take the bus, and then everyone will see you and know that you stick things in your butt for fun.

Pastor John takes the bus quite often. What will happen when he sees you lying on your stomach in the back row, with a large scented candle sticking out of your ass? He may very well take a liking to you and start molesting you. Is that what you want, reader?

In all seriousness, I can’t reiterate enough how important it is that you NOT STICK THINGS IN YOUR ASS. It’s for your own good.

If you want to be a risk taker, why can’t you do so like a decent person, like George Michael, and just give anonymous bj’s to police officers at rest stops? You don’t see George Michael embarrassing himself in public by hanging around an emergency room with things protruding from his ass.

So one more time, reader: DON’T PUT ANY OBJECT INTO THE OPENING WHICH IS KNOWN AS YOUR ASS, no matter what your bus driver or school principal says is fun.

Honestly, I’d kick you square in the seat of the pants if I wasn’t so sure you’d enjoy it.