Paul Christoph Ryan, creative writing teacher

"Hello students, and welcome to Creative Writing 251," said Professor Ryan, the Goodwill price tag still hanging from the sleeve of his tweed sports jacket. "I'm your professor, Paul Christoph Ryan. I was asked to oversee today's class because your regular professor is on tour promoting his latest book, 'Where the Hell DId My Wife Hide the Bourbon?'

"I accepted this substitute teaching role for one reason only: to steal ideas from all of you. Now kids, I have a column due today, and I need an idea to write about. Does anyone have a suggestion?"

"Write something about how terrible our president is," said Tim Mahey, with wide eyes and a big smile that immediately introduced him as the sickeningly perky teacher's pet.

"Wow Tim, that's never been done before," said Professor Ryan, his invisible sarcasm oozing onto the floor. "This is 'Creative Writing', not 'Ideas Ellen Goodman Had Four Years Ago'. Try again."

"You normally write humor, don't you?" asked Jennifer Howe, a naive freshman who was in the bad habit of asking people to confirm obvious information.

"Did any of you a-holes read the syllabus?" exclaimed a flustered Professor Ryan.

"You should write a satirical story about guys who are mean, but pretend they're not," said Jennifer. "It would be funny and true, 'cause guys are really mean to girls sometimes."

Professor Ryan reared back and slapped Jennifer with the back of his hand. She covered her face and sobbed quietly.

"Okay," said Professor Ryan with a grim smile. "Now that we've demonstrated the difference between a stupid idea and an idea so annoying that it will cause me to physically harm you, does anyone else want to try?"

"You could write an autobiography," said April Phillips, who was making Bambi eyes at the handsome young professor. "Everyone likes hearing about you."

"Riiiiiight," said Professor Ryan. "Or maybe I could just take pictures of you sucking my dick, and publish them under the title, 'Everyone Loves Paul Ryan'. Seriously people, do any of you have talent, or is this the special ed writing class, where everyone gets A's for being able to sit through the whole period without making farting noises?"

The class got unusually quiet. Professor Ryan sensed he had offended his students, so he quickly apologized, pointing out that he was just having a frustrating day, and that Jennifer was the only student there who was actually physically retarded. Jennifer, who was close to sitting upright again, quickly put her face back in her hands and sobbed loudly.

"Mr. Ryan, I contend . . ." started Hubert Hampton, a nerdy junior who had yet to touch a woman's boob.

"That's Professor Ryan. I didn't spend four years of undergraduate school drinking beer and dropping Ecstasy so I could take a meaningless sub job and be called Mister, thank you very much."

"Sorry Professor," said Hubert. "But perhaps it would be intriguing to order some 'W Ketchup' - which is targeted at Republicans - and do a scientific analysis of whether it's superior to Heinz ketchup. Such a column would have potential for humor as well as the partisan politics your readers find so amusing."

"Good idea, Pube, but I'm doing that column for Saturday," said Professor Ryan. "It will involve hilarious photos of me squirting ketchup all over my face, and will hopefully make people anxious to subscribe to my website's excellent members section."

"Um, my given name is Hubert, so if an abbreviated version is necessary, I wish you'd refer to me as 'Hube.'"

"No, I think I'm going to call you 'Pube'. Now go fetch me a beer from the teacher's lounge in the old main building, Pube."

"Okay," said Hubert, with a sigh. He was used to being a doormat, and kept telling himself it built character. In 40 years, Hubert would still not have touched a boob, causing him to reverse his theory.

"Students, you have to give me something fast and easy" said Professor Ryan. "Something I can write quickly. Something that will take less time than Jennifer's conception at her parents' junior prom."

Jennifer - whose sobbing had subsided in the last few minutes - began bawling again, louder than before.

"Excuse me, professor," said Tim, trying desperately to get on the teacher's good side. "But wasn't Jennifer's father nicknamed 'Anxious Willie' after that night?"

"Oh yes, definitely," said Professor Ryan. "And after their eight seconds of coitus, he made Jennifer's mother jump up and down really fast, so she wouldn't get pregnant."

Jennifer's pathetic wailing continued, replaced every few moments by loud sniffles and muffled whispers of "Why are boys so mean?"

While the professor was having fun ridiculing his students and possibly scarring them for life, he still didn't have a column idea. He asked the students again for something he could use.

"Why don't you just not write a column at all?" asked Aaron Brown, one of the few intelligent students in the class. "Just say screw it, and drink all night."

"That's a good idea, but my readers aren't that stupid," said Professor Ryan. "I mean, they're pretty dumb and gullible, but they'll definitely get mad if there's no content at all. I have to at least give them something, even if it's just half-assed bullshit that isn't remotely entertaining."

"Well, Jennifer weeping like a sissy is kind of funny," said Aaron. "Why not just type up a transcript of what happened today in class?"

"Yes . . . yes, that's a great idea! People would think it was edgy, too, which will help them ignore its lack of quality. Brilliant, Aaron! You get an 'A'! Now where's that damn Pube kid? I need him to type it up."

9/5 column rating (6 votes) Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1

www.geocities.com/brownvillage/2004.html        Beerman      Jul 25, 2004 • 3:43pm   Somehow this doesn't seem far from reality... AWhite      Jul 23, 2004 • 5:28am   The best one that I have read since the urinal column. By the way how'd that go for ya? em      Jul 23, 2004 • 4:36am   you're middle name is just Christoph? Not ChristohpER? Interesting... Katers      Jul 22, 2004 • 1:42pm   Aaron Brown saves the day again! Good ol' Aaron. Aaron J. Brown      Jul 22, 2004 • 12:32pm   Thanks for the walk-on role -- I need the work. mindwalker      Jul 22, 2004 • 5:36am   she covered her face and sobbed quietly. LOL

page:   1