An awkward moment on the bus

A woman sits in a seat on the bus and scowls at columnist and faithful public servant, Paul Ryan. Paul rolls his eyes and slides down in his chair to a more relaxing position, acting bored with the woman's apparent anger. A man sitting across from Paul becomes concerned.

Guy: I don't mean to be nosy, but I was wondering why that woman is scowling at you.

Paul: Ex-girlfriend.

Guy: Ahh, I see. So I guess it didn't end well. Was it your fault or does she just think it was your fault. (chuckles)

Paul: Beats me. You know chicks, man. You do one little thing and they get all worked up.

Guy: What did you do?

Paul: Okay, so it wasn't just one little thing. It was a lot of little things. Honestly though, I still don't see what the big deal is.

Guy: Did you have sex with her sister?

Paul: No.

Guy: Did you run over her dog?

Paul: No.

Guy: Did you run over her mother?

Paul: I wish.

Guy: Did you make a dirty video and accidentally upload it to the Internet?

Paul: No.

Guy: Damn.

Paul: I know. I love that stuff too.

Guy: Well, what did you do?

Paul: Well . . . it's not like it's a big deal or anything. I just stole her car.

Guy: Stole her car?

Paul: And . . . rammed it into a bus full of school children.

Guy: Good Lord!

Paul: I was having a bad day!

Guy: . . .

Paul: So anyway, I did what any sensible person would do, and ran like hell.

Guy: Oh dear.

Paul: I guess the police looked up the license plate number and arrested her for it, and she got in a bunch of trouble.

Guy: That's horrible!

Paul: God, you're as bad as her! She just would not stop bitching about it. Day and night, it was like, "Blah blah blah, you hotwired my car. Blah blah blah, you rammed into a parochial school bus. Blah blah blah, the crash killed four children. Ugh! I just couldn't take the bitching anymore.

Guy: . . .

Paul: Some people are just ridiculous, you know? So I slaughtered a few innocent children. So what? Do you know what the likelihood is of those kids amounting to anything? Chances are, we just lost a few more TJ Maxx cashiers.

Guy: What?!? But what if one of those kids was going to grow up to be president?

Paul: Well, they wouldn't make a very good president if they die in one of the safest vehicles on the road. I mean, how the hell can you die in a bus? The thing's freakin' huge, man!

Guy: How fast were you driving when you hit the bus?

Paul: I dunno. I was drunk, so I kind of spaced out.

Guy: . . .

Paul: Besides, kids pretty much have a 50/50 chance of being depressed as adults anyway, so I probably saved them some grief. Everybody's depressed these days. It sucks, man. They're better off this way.

Guy: So . . . I'm assuming you're a little depressed then?

Paul: I'm stuck on a goddamn bus with an ex-girlfriend I tried to frame for manslaughter charges. What the hell do you think?

Paul: You know, lots of people don't even like kids.

Guy: What?!?

Paul: A lot of people don't like kids. They don't like the crying, whining, and constant mooching of their hard-earned money. They're sick of the baggy pants, foul language, and attitude problems. Lots of people would probably punch a kid in the mouth if they could.

Guy: Um, you hit them with a car.

Paul: Yeah, so? It's like I punched them really hard.

Guy: Uh-huh.

Paul: And caused two of their spines to snap in half.

Guy: I think this is my stop.

Paul: Hey, mine too! Wanna grab a bite to eat?

Guy: Um . . . no.

Paul: C'mon, I've got a few hours before my court hearing.

Guy: Goodbye.

Paul: Oh for crying out loud, WILL EVERYBODY JUST LET THE DAMN DEAD CHILDREN THING GO?

The Icarus Line Similar to:  Violent Femmes, The Vines You may not know The Icarus Line, but most musicians do. The band has toured with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Queens of the Stone Age, A Perfect Circle, and more. Their latest album was mixed by the same guy who mixed albums by Nine Inch Nails and the Smashing Pumpkins. But enough of the name dropping. The lead singer sounds like a cross between Gordon Gano of the Violent Femmes and Perry Farrell of Jane's Addiction, and the band has a rough guitar sound like The Vines. I've never seen them play live, but I've heard their shows are rude and crude, filled with old school rough and tough slam dancing. And frankly, we could use a few more bands like that. Instructions Music archives

9/5 column rating (11 votes) Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

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dailyramblings.com               Natalie      Jul 29, 2004 • 12:32am   Wow, you've got a great sense of sarcasm and timing. I promise to read more of your articles in the future. Beerman      Jul 28, 2004 • 11:09pm   Wow Paul, you should go on drunken child killing rampages more often, look at the score the article got. I also have a mercedes you could steal, hell I'll even give you the key, and its an older one to, none of that fiberglass bullshit. With my car you sould be able to kill 12 children or more. InariKitsune      Jul 28, 2004 • 6:28pm   I do enjoy how the sandwich actually looks alive with those mold eyes. It keeps making me laugh when I look at it and call it Milo. J      Jul 28, 2004 • 5:31pm   laughed my ass off man Katers      Jul 28, 2004 • 1:52pm   Awww, look at its little moldy eyes. They're going, "Someone adopt me! Eat me! Overlook the fact I am rotting away by the second. Eat me!" Nailboy      Jul 28, 2004 • 11:15am   Mmmm. I can almost smell the sweet, vomit-inducing fragrance of rotting processed flesh...

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