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Two family reunions, one low price Paul Ryan Note: Many of you probably missed Friday's column, since I forgot to update it before I left for the airport to my family reunions. Go read it now.
I'm not sure which is the more pristine view: mine of the hills in the distance, or that of the people standing outside and watching me pee in front of an 8-foot window. I realize we're in the middle of nowhere, but I'm still afraid of using a toilet when it's near an uncovered window. I'm a city kid, and when you live in the city, taking a whiz in front of a large window is disgusting and wrong. The neighbors will stare at you, and possibly take photographs. They'll say, "What's wrong with that boy, peeing in front of the window like that? He might as well just stand on the roof and water the lawn with it." But what choice did I have? It was nighttime, so I thought about turning off the lights in the bathroom and blindly doing my business in the dark, but I didn't think my aunt and uncle would appreciate the results of my poor aim. "You'll never believe who stopped by last night," I'd say to them in the morning. "Stevie Wonder was here, and he wanted to use the bathroom!" However, this lie wouldn't work, because we were staying for two days, and I'd undoubtedly have to go to the bathroom more than once in that time. So I'd have to keep inventing more blind visitors, which would be difficult. The only blind people I can think of are Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles, and Ray Charles is dead. My aunt and uncle might not know that, but still, where would I go from there? "You'll never believe it, but Helen Keller came here to take a leak! It was awesome!" On Sunday, I went to a reunion for the other side of the family in Medway, Massachusetts. This was rather comical, because Massachusetts people all have the same funny accent. The word "car" becomes "caaah", the word "four" becomes "fooawww", the word "retarded" becomes "retadded", and the word "wicked" is used to describe nearly everything. I swear I heard one of my relatives use the word "wicked" to describe a ceiling fan. This is why I love Northeasterners. They talk like southerners who've been hit in the head with large rocks. Of course, the other reunion in Vermont had a few people from Rhode Island, who all tend to sound like Rosie O' Donnell. I'm not sure if that's worse or better. Anyway, my relatives are all very nice people. The Vermont reunion was very pleasant and enjoyable, and the Massachusetts reunion involved me getting punched in the groin two seconds after I got out of the car. So both went pretty much how I expected. My only complaint was the complete lack of booze at both events. When planning family reunions, the host should have no less than 48 cans/bottles of cheap beer, plus a few wine coolers for the ladies/sissies. When relatives get together, booze is needed to keep the conversations going and the Paul Ryans from trying to sneak away when no one's watching.
If relatives reading this column are feeling generous, they can send Paul beer at:
To get you in the mood to send me beer, here's a humorous photo of me in a cowboy hat: 
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Photos of all the possible James Bond replacements
