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This week's entries in my diary Paul Ryan
Today I had sex with a turtle. It wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. It was a little difficult at first trying to figure out which end to stick it in, because the turtle hid inside its shell right away, but it wasn't a snapping turtle, so I was safe no matter which end I chose. Maybe it will be weirder tomorrow if I'm actually able to find the turtle's privates. I couldn't find it today, so I guess I really just molested a turtle today.
I'm not sure if the turtle is a boy or a girl. I shined a flashlight around in its shell, and I saw two things that might have been a penis, and six things that might have been a vagina. I was going to just try all of them, one at a time, and judge it based on the turtle's noises, but then my dad came home. He asked what I was doing shining a flashlight up a turtle's butt, and I told him I lost a quarter down there.
My mom was totally looking at me weird today. I think she's been reading my diary. I can't imagine what I've written in here that would freak her out. Maybe it's the turtle thing. It's not like she didn't do crazy things when she was a kid. I mean, I doubt she dicked a turtle, but she probably, like, drove off without paying for gas or something crazy like that. At least the police won't be looking for me because I humped a turtle. Or will they? Mom, if you're reading this, don't tell on me.
I think I have the Ebola virus. I have all the symptoms: headaches, loss of appetite, limited kidney and liver functions, bleeding from the anus. Should I tell the turtle? That would be the responsible, adult thing to do. This situation is just like that episode of "What's Happening", where Rerun has to tell mama he has the clap, and that he and Raj have been spooning.
I'm still debating whether to tell the turtle about my Ebola outbreak. Rerun got in trouble when he told Raj, so I dunno if I should tell the turtle. Hell, can turtles even get Ebola? Aren't they immune to it or something? And besides, I didn't tell anyone else about it. Ebola is an airborne virus, so those people on the bus are gonna be pissed. They're gonna be like, "Who's the bitch who gave me this Ebola? I've been bleeding out my ass all day!"
Oh man, that's weird. I picked up the newspaper today, and some lady wrote into Dear Abby, asking what they should do about her son, who is into bestiality. At least mom was nice enough not to sign her real name.
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