I disapprove of you all!

Note: Some of former President Taft's language may be difficult for modern people to decipher. As such, you can click on the small blue numbers located throughout today's column for an explanation of his old-time terms.

Great lemons of Jesus! ¹ What is the meaning of this false constituency? ² You jobless trollops of greased condom sex and tidy bowl boozing ³ congregate here every day to read the festering tripe of this sharp tongued self-servicer! ⁴ You compose yourselves as if he were the manager of a fine establishment!

Bah! I've seen all I need to see of this "Inter-net" you heathens seem to worship. How can you little bottomside bacteriums ⁵ even stand the dreck brought forth from this medium? Your local library is filled with the classics of literature, yet you prefer to peruse this Princeton-level schlockery ⁶. I can't comprehend it. This "Inter-net" is merely a collection of mediocre works from those with insufficient talent to be full-time expositors of merit ⁷. Do you not see the tepid, gooey, keck droppings ⁸ oozing down the page as you read?

Of course, I am not speaking of this particular column, numbered six-hundreth and two in the DR series. My writings have been widely published, and squalid balloters ⁹ such as yourselves have ranted and raved about them for as long as my mustachioed belfry ¹⁰ can recall.

You are all balloters, I assume? When Hal Higginsworth Esq. of the township board comes to collect your penned ballot, you do give him a salutation and simper ¹¹, do you not?

*Gasp!*

WHAT USE ARE YOU HEATHENS TO OUR FINE COMMONWEALTH IF YOU DO NOT EVEN PARTAKE IN THE ELECTING OF YOUR KEEPERS?!? WOULD THOU BE RULED BY A REDCOATED CHERUB-HUMPING INCARNATION OF BEELZEBUB?!? ¹²

What did you say?? What is this foul sound I've just heard from your disrespectful lips? Did you just call me rotund?? No? Oh good.

WHAT?!? YOU CALLED ME A "FATTY FAT BOTTOM TINKLE PANTS?!??"

I may be a fat man, but micturating in the drawers laid out by my wife not but this morning is unfeasible! ¹³ I demand reparations! As Taft is my name and mustachioed is my reputation, you shall rue the day you falsely accused me of fairy pumping organ load victimization! ¹⁴

Hear me, readers of the DR! May your wallet contents shrivel to the size of your testis after an icy dip in the freeze lakes, and may the hair of your noggins wander to yon backsides, furrying the crack that leads to your stained alimentary canal! ¹⁵

For shame, DR constituents! Your 27th president should not have been treated this way!

What the hell is that?  Find out! More from last week: Excerpt from Pam Anderson's new sex book Bush meets Cap'n Crunch, Count Chocula Grandma's saggy boobs banned Much, much more Join now

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Reader Comments

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Paul Ryan      Aug 9, 2004 • 10:40pm   Yeah, actually, that's where I got the idea for this column. Johnny No Thumbs      Aug 9, 2004 • 10:08pm   If your looking for the best of the dead Presidents check out good ole MVB's blog at http://8thpresindahouse.blogspot.com/ Scapegoat      Aug 9, 2004 • 7:47pm   Hey, Tafty, didn't your fat ass get stuck in a bathtub? Katers      Aug 9, 2004 • 1:13pm   Taft may be fat and jolly, but William Henry Harrison - William Henry Harrison is where it is AT. He was the bitchinest of them all. Even if he got that silly little pneumonia and died . . . Aaron J. Brown      Aug 9, 2004 • 12:45pm   Oh, that Taft! mindwalker      Aug 9, 2004 • 5:11am   I truly enjoyed that. haha.

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