Extra! Extra! Big scandal at Daily Ramblings!

LA CROSSE, WI -- Luap Nayr, the owner of Daily Incoherency (www.dailyincoherency.com), the rival website of Paul Ryan's Daily Ramblings (www.dailyramblings.com), held a news conference today to accuse Ryan of endorsing slave labor. Nayr is following the lead of Florida Republicans, who recently accused The Heinz Foundation (John Kerry's wife has ties with the company) of supporting Fidel Castro.

In the late-90s, Heinz's charity donated money to The Tides Foundation, a San Francisco group that works on environmental, economic, and social justice projects. The Tides Foundation started a campaign to help countries develop Internet and computer networks. Cuba is one of many countries getting help. However, the Heinz donations have only gone to local projects in western Pennsylvania, not worldwide ones.

Ryan, on the other hand, started two IRA funds at his workplace in 2002. One of the hundreds of businesses included in these mutual funds is Walmart, a company that has been accused of supporting slave labor overseas. Nayr has sent press releases to all major news outlets claiming Ryan is "Funding his retirement with overworked and underpaid negro children."

Ryan responded with a press release of his own today.

"I assure the public that the children Walmart enslaves at my request are all honkeys," said Ryan. "They are all unathletic, stiff, crackers who are unable to dance or play basketball in an adequate fashion."

Nayr responded by claiming one of the caucasian slave laborers is actually very good at basketball, and can "dunk like Mugsy Bogues on a ladder."

Ryan said the charge is ludicrous, and that he's appalled slave laborers would be allowed enough non-work hours to complete a game of basketball.

Nayr responded by claiming Ryan "smells like diarrhea."

Ryan's odor has not been confirmed by officials, but a poll conducted this afternoon among Ryan's friends and family confirmed that the majority of them thought he smelled like "a badger farting from its mouth". Ryan refused to comment on the poll, likely because he wants to avoid the mention of last year's badger scandal, when the following photo was found on his computer's hard drive:

Ryan spent four months in Anoka National Utility Security/Private Outsource Usage Non-Denominational International Night Guard prison, and is restricted from associating with badger costume manufacturers for 10 years. However, he is not restricted from associating with actual badgers, or their airborne flatulence.

Dug Duggardson, Ryan's attorney, refused to respond to any badger-related questions, but said Nayr has sex with kittens.

Nayr admitted the statement is true, but said sex with kittens is legal in his home state of Kentucky. He also added that Ryan looks like a vagina.

"I don't buy that claim for a second," said Duggardson. "I mean, c'mon. I wish these lame insults like this would stop. Honestly, who are you gonna believe? Me, a respected lawyer, or Nayr, a guy who always goes wee-wee sitting down?"

At this point, Nayr became uncomfortable.

"I can't help it. I used to make a mess," said Nayr. "I used to make a big mess."

The 5.6.7.8's Similar to:  Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Joan Jett If you've seen the movie "Kill Bill", then you already know The 5.6.7.8's, a female rock band from Japan who performed in the movie. The reason I'm using them as this week's spotlight is because they're starting a U.S. tour next month, and it's a show you don't want to miss. If you live in or near Minneapolis, they're playing at First Avenue on Monday, September 27. I'm taking a few vacation days at work and making the two and a half hour drive from La Crosse to see them. So to all you Twin Cities DR groupies, show up and have a drink or seven. I'll match you, beer for beer. Instructions Music archives

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Reader Comments

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Scapegoat      Aug 11, 2004 • 7:44pm   Yay! My fabulous Prize Package arrived yesterday! madjack      Aug 11, 2004 • 1:45pm   I got a good chuckle from the prison acronym. Katers      Aug 11, 2004 • 1:28pm   A bit too much poo humor, but still a clever parody of a contemporary topic. I give it a B-.

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