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Things that shock me Paul Ryan I'm like a gynecologist who moonlights as an undertaker: there aren't many things that shock me. You can tell me dead baby jokes, child molestation jokes, or true stories about how your mom has Lou Gehrig's disease. I'll laugh at all of them, because I'm a worthless scumbag. However, there are some things that shock me. If they shock you as well, feel free to write about it in the comments section.
-People so fat they look like they need training wheels while they're walking. -The sound a rat makes when you hit it with a baseball bat. -The sound a kitten makes when you drown it in a bucket of chili. -The fact that even though I obviously made up the kitten one, I'll still get at least five angry e-mails about it. -The sound a child makes when you kill their parents with your car. -The fact that despite how horrible that last one was, I'll still get more angry e-mails about the kitten one. -The groaning some old guys make when they pee in a public restroom. -The low, low price of "Monkey Trouble" on VHS. -That people who collect baseball cards are actually gullible enough to pay $8/card to have them graded. -That this guy paid $8 to have a $9 Shannon Stewart card graded.
-How it would be hilarious, and totally worth the money, if I were able to get this Mr. T card graded:  -The high price of bullion nowadays. How am I supposed to make delicious roast beef sandwiches when prices are so high? -After I get my wisdom teeth pulled, my dentist will probably use the money to buy a new boat. That doesn't shock me so much. -The video game "Simpsons Hit and Run". You can kick people repeatedly, and completely beat the crap out of them. It's especially shocking and fun when you, as Homer, beat the living hell out of Marge. It's also fun when you run over children with the family sedan. -My pure, unadulterated sex appeal. I like to refer to it as "Paul, 2.0". My pure, unadulterated sex appeal is no longer in the beta stages of development. -How wasted I can get off a "40" of Colt 45 Double Malt. -People who are so incapable of thinking for themselves that they believe pot should be illegal just because the law says so. "The law's always been that way, so it must be right!" Such people keep society from advancing and improving. (Funny enough, I don't even smoke pot. I'd still like to see it become legal, though). -How much more fun it is to play old Nintendo games and simple Internet flash games than games for newer systems.
-How good a Heineken tastes after a long day at work.
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