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Dear Stinky Paul Ryan
An old friend of mine who is down on his luck came to stay with me a few weeks ago, and he just won't leave! Don't get me wrong, I like him and want to help him as much as possible, but there's only so much I can take. He eats all my food and treats my living room like a barn. Is there any way to get rid of him without risking our friendship? I've tried subtle hints, but he doesn't seem to take them. Should I stop complaining and just put up with him until he's back on his feet, or should I tell him to take a hike? Why are you raising your tail? What are you . . . AAAAH! OH GOD! OH, MY EYES! HE SPRAYED ME IN THE EYES! OH JESUS, THIS IS TERRIBLE!
Let me be completely honest with you: my mom is a fat whore. I know I shouldn't talk about my mother that way, but it's the truth. She's a 300 lb. prostitute. It's quite the experience for me. Shady men are coming in and out of the house at all times, leaving used condoms on the kitchen counter and nude pictures of themselves in hidden spots throughout the house. So here's my question. Do you know any good weight loss programs? I have no problem with the prostitute stuff, I just wish she were thinner so she could make a better living off it. I'm able to work, but I'd rather not. Sitting around watching TV and reading advice columns written by a skunk is more fun. So what's the best way to lose weight? Slim Fast? The Atkins diet? The grapefruit diet? Hmm. I'm kind of embarrassed to say this, but I'm not sure how you give out answers. Do you shake your head yes or no or something? Oh. Oh, okay. You're wagging your tail. Does that mean . . . OH LORD, NO! YOU SPRAYED ME IN THE EYE WITH YOUR GLAND JUICE! SWEET MOTHER OF ANDES CHOCOLATES, MY EYEBALL SMELLS LIKE GARLIC!
It hurts when I do the Charleston. I know that sounds silly, but as simple as the dance is, my legs ache from all the sideways and backwards kicks. Well, I guess they're not actual kicks. They're actually little jerking motions with the legs. You know, kick forward, kick side, kick . . . AAAAAHH!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? YOU JUST SPRAYED ME IN MY LEFT EYE, YOU SON OF A. . . AAAAAHH! MY RIGHT EYE! I'M BLIND! I'M BLIIIIND!
I am a huge fan of Andre 3000! He is soooo hot. I wish . . . BLLEECHHH! UGH! WHAT DID YOU SPRAY IN MY MOUTH?!? WHY DID YOU . . . BLLEECHHH! YOU DID IT AGAIN!!! IT TASTES LIKE RANCID PEE! SOMEBODY HELP!!
My wife isn't bisexual, but I'd like to make her bisexual. Is there some sort of kit or something I can pick up at the drugstore that'll make her instantly turn into a bisexual and start . . . SWEET MOISES ALOU! THAT'S MY EYE, YOU DAMN SKUNK! WHOOOA CRAP! WHAT IS THIS, THE MONEY SHOT OF A PORN MOVIE?!? JESUS, MARY JANE AND THE MOSES BACKUP DANCERS THAT HURTS! I OUGHTA COME OVER THERE AND . . . UH . . . um, well . . . actually, y'know, I probably should have seen that coming. I mean, you are a skunk for Christ's sake, so . . . AAAAHHH! STOP IT! I'M TRYING TO RATIONALIZE YOUR ACTIONS, YOU UNGRATEFUL . . . AAAAAAAHHHH!
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Dear Stinky,
